I have come to a few revelations. The first is that I have decided that there will be no scattering of the small bag of ashes. The rat fink comes with me. 
The cottage I just found out is being sold and with me being so reluctant to spread them here at the lake, I just decided that I’d just go with my gut. It’s not like the Lake its going to disappear off the face of the earth, I can come back someday, when its right.
Another is that I do believe I have slightly drifted from “eccentric” towards CRAZY LADY. I believe wearing of dead boyfriends sweatshirts, pajama bottoms and hoody’s whilst lugging around his ashes in ones purse was the wee push I needed. I do believe I may need to tone it down a notch, I’m thinkin’. I mean, he has some stuff I love — 8 or 9 pieces total that I just can’t part with and want to wear, occasionally. 
I’m thinking I will need to get something I can put the blue velvet bag in however. Perhaps a carved, wooden box, and I do believe I have just the thing.
The beauty of being thought eccentric is ten-fold. The stuff you can get away with when you don’t give a hot-dang fly turd what people think. At a particular point though you can just freak people out…so there is a fine balance.
You know, it’s not like Tim won’t have company {not like Tim has a choice either}. I also still have the ashes of Gizmo’s brother, Shoe Monster. I had intended to scattered them at the Homestead back in Dodge. For whatever reason it never happened.
IRISH and GIZMO having a chat – 2011 – Gizmo was 20 yrs old & blind, but Irish still had respect for her. My Gizzimoda died 2 weeks after I took this picture. I look at this pic now and I wonder what they were saying to each other…as you can see, Irish was all EARS.
Gizmo is buried in the heart garden where the pond is here at the lake, with the frogs. I guess maybe it’s possible someone may dig her container up we buried her in…but oh well. Gizmo’s long gone. My wee Tyger is out huntin’ the snark. I’m sure.
Shoe maybe is too and I’m just looloo… but Shoe Monster and I had a strong bond. He was my familiar in life, so in spirit he could very well be a guardian…so I like having him around. Makes it feel like home, wherever I happen to land. You know…maybe Shoes Urn can sit on top of Tim’s Box….Aha…I like that. Shoe would have liked that; sitting on top of someone. Well duh…of course, ALL day long. Shoe Monster LOVED attention. LOVED to be picked up and mauled to death. He was all about the lovin’. All he would do is PURR PURR PURR…if he could. His preference in life was complete bliss in any position you shoved him in, as long as he was near you. Could FEEL you. Weird cat.
You know, I find that sense a very old southern custom; keeping the dead close. I’ve learned through my family genealogy research that most southern graves in Eastern North Carolina (pre-1870ish or earlier) they were often in family plots located right on their land somewhere. It’s rare for cemeteries to be on church grounds from that pre-Civil War era. The dead for some reason were kept close by. Maybe I gots me some of dat sense in me. Who knows.
I don’t know why it is, but I often learn as much about someone AFTER their death as I thought I knew before? Em. I wonder … does anyone else find that? Or is it just me. Tim didn’t want me to know the truth about what he had done to others. However, I knew that after his death they would, regardless of how dirty, be set free and I would have to deal with them on my own. I told Tim again and again how I felt. That I loved him and I wanted him to be able to feel comfortable with the fact that I may not LIKE the truth, but I love him and that we could deal together. No go. He kept his lies tight to his chest till his last breath. In true Tim fashion, he left it up to those left behind to clean up the mess.
It is not given to man to know the whole Truth. His duty lies in living up to the truth as he sees it, and in doing so, to resort to the purest means, i.e., to non-violence.
God alone knows absolute truth. Therefore, I have often said, Truth is God. It follows that man, a finite being, cannot know absolute truth.
Nobody in this world possesses absolute truth. This is God’s attribute alone. Relative truth is all we know. Therefore, we can only follow the truth as we see it. Such pursuit of truth cannot lead anyone astray.
Gandhi (1869 – 1948)
I honestly don’t think I will EVER understand his actions. I am beginning to put some pieces together and I’m struggling right now with how {or if} I’m going to write about this “stuff”, and if so … HOW to do it and not sound like some Polly-Anna-esque Crazy Lady? I also don’t want to make excuses for the things he took from others.
“The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.”
― George Carlin
Make yourself happy and everyone else will come along…
Besides, it’s a full-time job 
It is a full-time job … I’m trying to actually really and truly go with the flow…I keep coming across signs that are repeatedly saying the same thing … “Follow your heart and the rest will follow”. To not hold onto to branches for security but just LET GO…”Do it, Or Do not, There is no Try”…someone said
Beautiful, funny, honest, and I love your take on eccentricity – really would you want to be anyone else? – perhaps someone more boring, less passionate and less interesting than yourself!
Thank you. Like I actually COULD be anyone else at this point… nay impossible. I find as I get older it has become far far easier to just throw caution to the wind and stop trying to make everyone else happy.
You are not a Crazy Lady, Paula. You are a wonderful, loving, forgiving, and unique soul. Do what you need to do. I just clicked over from Alison’s blog and this is what she said, “But in the end everyone has their own unique path, none is more worthy than any other, and we must just follow the truth in our hearts.” Isn’t that amazing that I read that right before I came here. I had it on my clipboard from cutting and pasting in a comment back to Alison.
I believe you have your own unique path and you are just following the truth in your heart. Thank you for sharing.
I joke about the crazy lady. My paths is unique
and thanx Kozo…feeling a little overwhelmed lately I guess…lots of change happening…most good, some gggGRREAT. I hope. Right now it is still in the planning stages though. Fingers, toex and hair folicles crossed
I admire your pragmatism, the fact that you were part of the lives of others who have moved on can’t be taken away from you
I’d never thought of it in quite that way before, but you are correct.