Today was a good day. I actually knocked stuff off the TO DO list. Made progress, walked the dog, ate a good dinner. Best thing is I have a plan of attack and … alls ….well….all is better.
I even went into our room today; and yes the tears came, but I just kept at it. Atleast today I got enough done that I feel more confidant, that it’s all doable. There is just stuff everywhere. Today I gave myself a break though. I mean, heck I’m not just going through just MY stuff. I wish; I have to go through Tim’s stuff and then of course untangle my stuff from all the stuff that was already here. It’s a kind of juggling act, in a way – this goes here, while I put this here, than that goes there, while I put this here. This is garbage, this is ….well you get the idea.
With my new plan I’m taking the things I am taking with me out of OUR room and putting it all in the other room. That’s tomorrow’s job. Than I don’t have to go in our room, or atleast I will alot less.
My sister is going tonight to look at an apartment, fingers crossed. I think I can afford it, I like the location and good god I just want to know where I’m going to be living.
Some days it’s been a struggle not to dissolve away into … I don’t know … a rocking, crying mess with my thumb in my mouth. If I think about the whole magnitude of things I have to think about, worry about, wonder about, plan for, remember to do … ugh … just one thing at a time. That’s my mantra. ONE THING AT A TIME. Whenever anyone starts on the, “well make sure you remember” or “now you’ll have to think about”….its like TALK TO THE HAND. I refuse to think of all the many things still left to accomplish. Claiming bankruptcy one of the many things. The ol’ credit rating took one heck of a knock throughout this whole mess, so lets just hope the new landlord is ok with my sis co-signing (if necessary). That worries me ALOT. Well, add it to the list of the things that worry me. Heck…that list just keeps growing and growing anyways. Might as well go to infinity.
My primary responsibility every day is to somehow, that day, keep my self sane. Tomorrow can worry about itself. I make plans, but I write them down, than they don’t haunt me. Like with this blog, I write my “stuff” down so that it doesn’t just sit there and eat away at my tentative grip on sanity. There is a part of me that is exhausted. Truly mentally just done. Not a big part, but bigger than what my experience has been with grief in the past.
I’m not the same person I was. Gosh, just even a few months back. I’m finding out stuff I had forgotten. The other part is that I’m learning how Irish and I are going to deal with all these changes. I’m teaching her self-confidence and how to comfort herself. Last couple nights it was all stormy and noisy and she was just a wreck the first night. I was like ready to scream and yell at her, but didn’t. Just distracted her with a few “tricks for treats” and then said “GO”. And she did.
Last night I came through the living room and there she is on the futon curled up with her ducky. She was coping. I was so proud of her. It was windy and I heard thunder couple times…but she was not bad. Couple times came over just for a snuggle, but she dealt with her anxiety on her own. I’m showing her I’m not scared, so she has no reason to be. I think maybe though I’ve changed, and so our dynamic has changed…with Tim out of the picture. I’m glad we’ve had this time to find our way together. I don’t want to come home every night to some crazed moron dog going all spaz. I want her to cope and use her smarts. Be confident, trust yourself…and quit being a ding-bat.
Well, guess that advice I could just as easily turn my way … well, least some days. Although this was not one of those days. That’s progress.