Is it unusual that a child would have a Wolf Spider as a pet? Lived 2 years, and apparently became gigantic. Spiders not dumb, contrary to popular belief. Least not a Wolf Spider.

So, yeah, mentioning to Crossroads how smart they are, how kinda spooky it is that they follow your movements, and that’s when he told me about his childhood pet.

Here’s this kid de-winging live fly and depositing them right into its hidy-hole, in the dark corner of his basement bedroom when he was nine. Good gig for a spider.

Then he says …“but I didn’t take it out for walks or nothing, as it was a bit creepy after a while, due to its size“.

Ya think? {shudder}

I really like this guy.

This tidbit of childhood came up as I was telling him how I’ll even avoid stepping on Ants on the sidewalks.

So as he demo’s his abode, ripping down all the soggy, mouldy drywall, and up in the ceilings, in the now bare walls, are appearing these homeless spiders. He said it pains him to have to kill them.

But seriously, I am benign as they come, but yeah, them suckers would not be seeing their next birthday.

My benevolence has its bounds.

I’m not much better.

I know, I know, my life is just W A Y too exciting, but I was inspecting the garden here outside the stoop. Squatting, staring at the dirt… I came upon the most unusual thing.

Never would have guessed back in high school whilst standing in Biology class, poised with my blade about to dissect, that one day I’d be observing the carnal pleasures of earthworms.

Then, not a foot away, more worms mating. A pair of engorged, juicy worms, draped across the earth, and each other.

To copulate, two worms line up against one another facing opposite directions. In this position, both worms excrete so much mucous, that what is called a slime tube forms around their bodies. Each worm ejaculates sperm from its sex organs into this slime tube and it is then deposited in the other worm’s sperm receptacle. The act of mating is completed, but the process of reproduction still continues as each worm goes its separate way.
[source: HowStuffWorks.com]

Yes Mom, my geekdom knows no bounds.

My garden has become an earthworm love-in. I am rather enchanted by their choosing to come together within my garden. I must be doing something right.

Also gives one pause, this act of intercourse outside my home, considering my recent avoidance of such intimacies.

Not that Crossroads hasn’t tried.

I know, that’s too much information.

I’ve analysed stuff I’d never stopped to reconsider of late, and not just concerning him. Reconsidering if I have need of him at all? Or if I want a different ‘him’?

As menopause takes its course, and the seeds within me perish, I find myself wandering in places of myself I’ve never explored before. Coming upon lost wonders, things I abandon along the way.

Crossroads says he loves my brand of crazy. It is my very unusualness he enjoys. After wading through the junk I throw up, what lies within is enchanting…he says.

Which brings me to a discovery.

But let me backtrack here a bit.

So Sunday I made my way down to the garden centre at Tuckey’s Home Hardware, but I was too early so I went around the block. After spending probably a good hour in there making my decisions on what to bring home with me, with coffee in hand, and a Jamaican Pattie from that little coffee bistro across the way, holding my new beauties aloft, who do I encounter?

That blue.eyed.man.

I said hello, waltzed past him, continuing on my way.

Anyone looking closely would maybe have noticed that almost imperceptible shaking of my hands. But I stopped that right in its tracks.

Damn, he still does it to me.

Later in the day I go over to do some grocery shopping and I hear…“twice in one day, I feel blessed”.

So I had to at least stop and chat. All that yadda, yadda…“how you doing”, “you look good”.

When I was about done with all that, I smiled, turned to him and said: “you should come over some time“.

And then I swaggered off.

Since then I’ve been a bundle of indecision on what I’m feeling towards him.

Until last night.

I’m thinking he might be too late; if he does actually show up.

I’m not sure yet, but I don’t know if I have room for him in my world any longer. I don’t know if he fits. If he’s what I really want in my life. What, after all, does he offer?

I do intend to apologise, though, if he ever shows. I was rather dazed and confused back when I last knew him.

Even Crossroad says I’ve changed a lot since he first met me, and we’ve known each other a year this last March.

Crossroads fits. He’s weird, but he fits. I owe him no loyalty, though, he’s made that clear. Not yet atleast…we both agreed.

He’s right too, he has indeed taught me how to enjoy my solitude. And given me the space to realise it myself. It’s very freeing to finally acknowledge you have the ability to enjoy your own company. Enjoy it, crave it, need it to maintain a sense of grounding really.

In my menopause madness, I pushed that blue-eyed.man away. Not quite three months later, I first encountered Crossroad.Man, and that I think Mom has made all the difference.

I pushed him just as hard, but he refused to just go away. Oh, he stayed away occasionally. I can have a temper as you well know.

Yet he always came back.

That blue-eyed.man I think is just too late.

Love,

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