I should know better, I really should. Too much stimulation last night, and I found myself escaping the New Year chaos of celebration. At twenty minutes to midnight I couldn’t handle the people, the wine punch or the feelings that gathered up inside me. All I could think of was getting back to the homestead and spending New Years with Irish, who was alone back at the house.

It really didn’t help that an old boyfriend I hadn’t seen in a decade was in attendance at the party, or that I’d had more to drink in 2 hours then I have had in close to a year and half. But I think my main problem was I realized I was happy, and that made me confused and sad all at the same time. Strange, to feel happy, to be enjoying myself for once in such a very long time; I just couldn’t handle it. My sister was having a good time, and everyone was tying one on for New Years, and I just couldn’t participate any longer.

Back at the house Dad was asleep on the couch with a sinus infection, and so I turned on CNN’s New Years gala and we watched alittle of Anderson Cooper. However that bimbo co-host chic became to annoying so after Dad left, I turned it off and turned in. Feel much better for it today.

It was something that in the past would not have happened. Normally I would have just drank more and eventually made a fool of myself. Not this year, not this time,  not anymore. I’ve resolved to not follow those same old tired trails I’ve stumpled down in the past. I in the past would have ignored my instincts and in doing so denied myself some dignity. After spending close to 4 years in paradise away from all things of the past I find it hard to just go back to who I was. I don’t want to be that person…I’m not that person any longer.

I feel like some people have forgotten that someone very important to me is gone. More than that everything in my world is upside down, topsy-turvy, and uncertain. I can’t wait to be back at the cottage again. As much as I love being with my family, I miss my solitude, my privacy and the lake. As I was escaping I ran into one of my sisters neighbours who was at the party and she understood why I needed to leave. It was all just too much, too soon. It’s only been 2 1/2 months since Tim passed away.

I suppose that is why I felt so compelled to get back here and spend New Years with Irish. I am so thankful for her and from here on in it is just the two of us. Today is our 3 year anniversary together. Three years ago tonight at around 10PM a lost, snow covered fluffy monster showed up at our door. Today she has ensconsed herself in not just my life, but she has also endeared herself to my sisters family. When we return home, Aunt Paula will be missed, but I’m sure my beautiful fluffy monster will be missed even more.

This is part of the Daily Prompt