More snow squalls today, I don’t watch the news really anymore so no idea if we’ll get any. I do need to go into town soon, as my supplies are running low, to nil. Nil in the toilet paper category, coffee running low. Toilet paper is being substituted by paper towel. Nice. Coffee is now being supplied via the french press, rather than the Keurig. Going to need milk soon too. Well, lets just say I need to get some groceries and be done with it. I wonder if T&R are up for a drive into town today?
It’s the annoying little details that make it difficult living here now. Beautiful as it is, I want out. T&R are the only ones of Tim’s friends that I see anymore. When Tim was alive it seemed everyday there were people around…whether it was nurses, case manager visit, dietitian, social worker, always people around. Than of course friends would stop round, sometimes towards the end Tim didn’t want visitors so I discouraged it. Yet, there were calls and people around, maybe not everyday, but people would check in.
Now that Tim’s gone they’ve all disappeared. Only T&R now. Why is that? I guess death spooks people. I guess people forget that the living have needs and emotions too. I wonder if any of them give a flying f*ck though.
I moved up here to be with Tim, and in the process ended up leaving behind, and eventually ignoring, all the friends I had in the city. It happens, you get busy and my life here took over and I just never called them, plus no access to the internet here for the first 3 years, and before you know it…you haven’t talked in a couple of years. Shitty, but true. Truth is Tim discouraged my association with anyone from the city. He didn’t like me even calling my sister. Typical controlling behavior. Anyone I had in my life before him was a threat to him. Plus I imagine cutting me off from the city prevented me from hearing about what crap he had done. Also, long time addicts often develop paranoia and I don’t know how long Tim had … but I’m getting side-tracked.
I keep thinking “how in the hell did that happen”? How did I LET it happen. Like the boiling frog analogy I guess, after a while you don’t notice its getting hotter and before you know it you boil to death. Here I am now, cut off from everyone I know and love, trapped in paradise AND I have 6 more weeks of this. The real turd is having no one UP here I can count on makes it ALOT more difficult to get BACK to where I want to be.
There are days I wonder how I stayed the last two years. Through all of this I have been bullied, controlled, yelled at, and generally treated like dirt. What did I do? I cared for him, I made him his meals, I held him up at the sink so he could brush his teeth. I stood by the toilet and massaged his back when the cramps got so bad he just wanted to die right there and then. I swear he was the worst patient, didn’t seem to appreciate anything, nothing was good enough. I had more than one person point that out to me. I’m not sure if the looks while they said it was pity or perhaps in awe of my incredible patience.
Two years ago when I could have left, I saw what pain he was in, knew it could be more serious than we thought, and so I stayed. I stayed through some pretty tough crap he pulled too, I might add {stories for another day, sorry only one blood-letting at a time}. I stayed till the bitter end. I held his fucken hand and watched him die. I cried for almost a month straight…if you add up the days together.
Maybe I felt trapped right from the start. After we first got here Tim used up all the money I had from my severance, on GOD alone knows what. We arrived here in February, and by May almost $10k had disappeared from my bank account.
I can’t even explain today what I was thinking, OR, how I let myself get so entangled. I was lonely back when we first met. I was depressed. I was hating my job, and I was in a real bad spot mentally. He came along and whirled me into his world of music and coke and … well I went along for the ride. Never understood that peruvian marching powder shite. Why on earth would ANYONE want to think THAT much in such a short span of time? Oh, I can see the dietary benefits…you blawdy fidget so much you could lose 200 cal.’s a second. The appetite suppressant aspect I know is a popular excuse. HOWEVER, this cat after a very short while had enough of that shite and eventually I thought he had licked it, once we moved up here.
Eventually he did…but not right away. Well, at least not until he’d cleared out my bank account and racked up every credit card I owned. AND….ya’ll are thinking…and you stayed? Yup. I stayed. I did love him, although GOD alone knows why. I loved who he was WITHOUT all the shite that dragged behind him from the city. Plus I acknowledge that having nothing by this time, I figured I had nothing more to lose…might a well play the hand I was dealt. Maybe he would turn around. He did change… however, I’m not sure if it was just the cancer that changed him.
Tim could be a blawdy shite….call me crazy, but I loved his skinny little ass, his sweet gestures, his love of the outdoors, his eye for detail and compositions in nature. Without all the self-doubt and BS controlling manly man shite, Tim was underneath fun to be around and I couldn’t deny myself some fun. Good god did I need this break from life. I’m not going to sit here and act the all innocent, I woke up. Two years ago EVERYTHING changed and alot of things changed. I changed. However, Tim would never be considered a “GOOD MAN”….he had done too much, and was unwilling to look long enough at his sins to forgive himself. Maybe I was trying to save him; or, at least try to get him to face some of the harder truths before he died. He never did though. Took his lies to his grave.
I just wanted to bitch a bit. Feeling alot of “woe is me” and weepy, sad sad sadness, bit of fear. Ok, maybe a bit more than a bit of fear. Love is a strange animal. It appears to be one thing, but creates these mirages that lull you into these fairy lands, where time stands still … and when you awake you realize so much time has gone by, and the little pricks took all your stuff. ;-)
Sorry if my potty mouth offended anyone.
Well, now just went to rejuvenate my coffee and I see we are in fact getting more squalls. See, I don’t need no stinkin’ TV … eventually I’ll find out whatever I need to know. Dum De Dum De Dum…more paper towel on me bum. :) OH, and I almost forgot…this is my 100th post. Woot Woot.
by PaulaB 
Been there. For me it was high school, and while I lived at home with my big family, It was one of the most isolating times in my life.
You’ve got a great concept for your virtual haven. All the best with it!!
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Thank you…survival instinct says “create” so I create. ;-) It’s a great way to learn, explore, meet new people. Its been good for me. AND of course all of that has the extra benefit of keeping me sane.
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It’s been my escape, as well.:)
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your picture is so beautiful, and says it all. The snow will melt away, spring will fill the air and you will feel good that all has passed and you have a brand new life ahead of you with endless possibilities.
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Thank you….I know, sometimes that place does seem far away. But…I’ll get there.
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Paula, I just read this post. Wow how you remind me of myself. First let me say, I am sorry for your loss. I am sorry for the loss of yourself as well. There is a lot of learning to do, but it is not just to endure pain the next time around. It is to love yourself first and foremost. It is to reject those people who inflict pain on you. To recognize them and leave before they get a chance to get into your heart and head. I am not talking about the pain of normalcy, arguments here and there. I am talking about stealing, cheating, lying, using, and all around treating you other than love would demand. I am one to talk, I am ending a two plus year relationship of pain unimaginable by most. Why we do this is the answer to the questions that will save us. What is it in us that makes us think we are unworthy of love? What is it that makes us feel safe only with someone who is so flawed that they stay with us because they need us? What I hope to learn is how to love myself the way that I do those who do not deserve it. I have always sold myself short and felt uncomfortable when I am with people who treat me well and have much going for them. I guess I felt unworthy. I am still in the process of figuring this out, but figure it out I will. It is my hope that we can do this together. I am starting a new blog recording my journey as I travel through the pain. I wish you love and luck on your journey back to yourself. Introspection is what is needed, look deep and learn to love yourself again, or for the first time, know your worth. I know this, purging is a start. I will record what I do to return back to this person who now seems so foreign to me. A once proud, independent, worthy and strong woman. Wow I did not mean to write so much : ) Love and peace- Janine
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I am so thankful I started blogging. I’ve met so many wonderful people. Not quite 3 months now. It has helped immensely. A month ago saying all of this would have come out a jumbled mess…now I can say with confidence that I have taken back something of myself. Its nice to share it though too, that helps more than just some diary, or journal. It’s nice to know there are follow travelers on this journey. ;-)
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And follow you I will Miss Paula. I love your writing and your heart expresses itself with grace. I hope to get the strength and push that I need from taking this journey with other souls who understand. I lost my drug addict 14 years ago next month and I still have a couple of his shirts that I wear around. I feel you are a kindered spirit and I am so glad we found each other in this virtual world! ; )
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Just now talked to my sister…she was all worried. Told her I’m fine, I have some kindred spirits out there. ;-) TTYL
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Yay! Sisters are the best! :)
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Well hunni can I just say well done for venting! It just releases a bit of pressure from your soul!
I’m really rubbish at saying the right thing to people, but all I can say is, ‘this too shall pass’. That helps me to keep going! And big cyber hugs for you! X
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hugs back, thank you. Feels good venting.
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my mother always said that heaven and hell is life. we can always sit back and look at the past and wonder why we did things the way we did. Now you need to look forward – life still won’t be perfect – it never really is but you can make it better. you have the strength. you will be ok.
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I’m venting. It gets a little overwhelming so I guess I sometimes just need to blow off some steam and maybe drop some garbage that’s weighing me down. Thank you Linda…you know any cheap, dog friendly, sunny apartments for rent?
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Paula, I truly believe the events in our lives, although the whys and hows are often a complete mystery to us as these events are happening, are our teachers, these events are the holders of the lessons we are supposed to learn in this life. I know that sounds like total rubbish when you are hurting, but the hurt slows us down and draws us inward. If we can use this time to go to the hurt, sit down and have tea with it, we can learn from it. If we can own our part in the hurt and then use that to reflect on our actions and the lessons, then when we do heal, which we will, we can apply those painful lessons and grow. I think of it like a muscle. When you lift weights you are actually ripping the muscle fibers. The muscle is ripped, and that’s why you are to take a day off from lifting, to allow the muscle to heal. Those rips mend themselves during that rest and when you do heal, the muscle is stronger. I try to imagine that is how the heart and the soul work as well. They must be ripped and broken down and allowed to heal to become stronger. An unfortunate process, yes, but it’s the one we have, so acceptance of that makes the process hopefully a little more palatable. Keep writing, keep feeling and keep telling yourself, “this too shall pass.” You are not alone.
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Thank you. I’m glad I’m opened up a bit this morning. I’ve been trying more to listen, and the spirits that be were saying “truth” tell more truth. So for my 100th post I decided I’d open up the door abit more. Lessons and more lessons. I know, I know. I forget some days, so a reminder now again never hurts. :) I’m not good a sharing this stuff…but hey, better a woman of strength than a broken down mess.
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“Hugs” I wish I was there to help.
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Oh, thank you…I appreciate that :) Having one of those days…or weeks, maybe months is more accurate.
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