I have this wireless temperature device I brought with me from the cottage. The digital reader part sits here by my computer at the Homestead – the outdoor device sits right outside the window hanging off the old shutter. Today the indoor temp is 21.8° C or 71.2°F ~ outdoors it is 43°F or 6.1°C. 

Today it’s suppose to be almost 10°C = 50°F. However factor in the effen windchill and, well lets just say I am thankful the sun is out. Brrrr.

This morning I reminded myself that it’s been five months now since Tim died. I’m trying to figure out what I’m feeling. Where I stand emotionally? What’s the internal temperature?

Whilst trying to look for employment and then find a place to live, and I feel this pervasive sense of … I don’t know if I can describe it.

Yesterday NivaLaDiva was talking about triggers. For me those are sunny days, breathing, brushing my teeth…or the song Say Hey by Michael Franti – http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ehu3wy4WkHs&feature=player_detailpage

The line I love the most is “My momma told me don’t lose you”

“Say Hey (I Love You)”
(This one goes out to you and yours, worldwide)

I say hey, I’ll be gone today
But I’ll be back all around the way
It seems like everywhere I go
The more I see, the less I know
But I know one thing
That I love you (baby girl)
I love you, I love you, I love you

I’ve been a lot of places all around the way
I’ve seen a lot of joy and I’ve seen a lot of pain
But I don’t want to write a love song for the world
I just want to write a song about a boy and a girl

Junkies on the corner always calling my name
And the kids on the corner playing ghetto games
When I saw you getting down, well, I hope it was you
And when I look into your eyes I knew it was true

I say hey, I’ll be gone today
But I’ll be back all around the way
It seems like everywhere I go
The more I see, the less I know
But I know one thing
That I love you (baby girl)
I love you, I love you, I love you

Now I’m not a highly metaphysical man
But I know when the stars are aligned you can
Bump into a person in the middle of the road
Look into their eyes and you suddenly know

Rocking in the dance hall moving with you
Dancing in the night in the middle of June
My momma told me don’t lose you
‘Cause the best luck I had was you

As much as I love the beat, the lyrics and that funky, groovy sound – I remember Tim and I dancing around together at the cottage to that song. Being silly, being happy. I remember those junkie’s on the street, I remember who he used to be. He knew and that’s why he loved the song too. It was OUR song. That line was almost like his Mom telling him “yes, you are good now”. The two of us believed that it had been our Mom’s who steered us together that Thursday night back in 2008. Maybe to save his life, what little of it I now know he had left. And I needed him as much as he needed me.

His Mom passed away in 2006 and mine in 2001. Both from Cancer. Isn’t that a kick in the ass? Tim then goes and dies from Cancer.

Shitty. Real real shitty. But I am sooo soo very tired of shit. Tired of thinking so long on all of those things.

I am trying to find my way out of these rolling hills. I’m getting seasick, I guess you could say. I want to take this beauty I find inside me and live within it. Make my living from it and become something that moves my soul, rather than shuffling it away again. I don’t need much to live. I am simple. I have collected what I require and now I just merely need a place for it and myself and Irish.

I loved Tim, I miss him, but I need to use this and package the grief and our story into a mythology I can go forward with.

My goal is to find my way forward with a re-packaged set of truths; so as to reference them as a positive, and not merely as a negative aspect of my past. To take what was and go forward with it, but not dragging behind me like a satchel of shit. I can’t just walk away like I have in the past, emotionally. I can’t. That four years with Tim CHANGED me…and there is no going back. I have been stripped of all that gave me independence. I have NEVER been one to depend on others, yet the last 5 years has been completely about dependence, to one degree or another. I was tired of always being the captain of the ship, making all the decisions – I was emotionally drained when I met Tim. So once we found each other we went off and for a while he did ALL the steering. Until 2010 and then I once again took up my co-pilots chair. He was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer soon after.

Reminds me of the Life of Pi, by Yann Martel. Read the book last year, and just recently saw the movie with my sister. Pi’s whole story is about re-defining our mythologies. Repackaging truths in order to better both accept the truths, but also live with them. Truths can be hard, cold as steel. They are heavy burdens. Re-packaging our own stories means finding a way to look at them, how to describe them. How to share them with others so that they encompass YOUR experience and YOUR point of view.

So that’s where I am. That’s the temperature here.

As for the windchill? I’m going to take the FluffyB for a long walk and enjoy the sunshine, eff the wind and enjoy the day at hand.

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