Last night Mom, you will be pleased to hear there were no fights nor yelling (that I recall), unless you include “dog” fights. Christmas eve cheer was shared, and this year we actually almost DID miss the Santa float. Standing around in the kitchen, with the door wide open to the front porch, Christmas music cranked, when Lexi just briefly turns her head to look out the window and yells “OH MY GOD the parade’s going by”… and out we all raced to just catch the first fire truck. Whew.

Lex was still disappointed though since she said she missed the waiting outside for it in the cold part, but alls well that ends well.

And a “HO HO HO…Merry Christmas”…just like every other year for the past 40 plus or more. Our first clue should have been 5 minutes before when we heard “WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU” being yelled by one of the girls, not clueing in at all to whom they were yelling those words of tween angst at.

And, earlier in the eve Mr.Blue.Eyes called to wish me a merry Christmas. He had things to say like “I hope you’re not mad at me“, and “I still think about you, you know“…and other words I really didn’t want to hear him say. I’ve been seesawing between trying to forget every single damn word that ever left his damn lips, to picking every syllable apart to find some hidden message.

Today I’m not quite sure if I’m just feeling anxiety due to my hangover, or my heart. God alone knows I wanted him to call, but damn I wish he hadn’t. Today I find myself staring out the window having imaginary conversations with this damn ghost of this person that haunts me. Someone else I should not be thinking of, and should not be hoping to see walking through the door to my secret garden out past my stoop.

This damn person needs to just be erased. I never got that stupid movie where that couple had their brains washed of their ex-lovers memory…until recently. Now the idea seems rather alluring.

Mom, I ask you, why do I fall in love with things I can’t have? Is it a chronic condition? This is messed up. I guess some psychologist would point out that I’m obviously attracted to emotionally unavailable men.

One could believe I’m afraid of someone who is actually AVAILABLE. However, we can’t have that since then who knows what chaos would ensue? Why, than of course when the inevitable happens and they leave I’ll just be more hurt. Men leave, or atleast I’ve discovered there does seem to be a pattern in my life.

I know, that sounds awful. There is a truism afoot though in that idea. To abandon truth now would not be a good thing for me. Truth was the staple ingredient missing from Tim and I’s four years together. I seeking it, and him hiding from it.

I will not deny truth again for anyone.

I decided though that I could easily spend these next few vaca days pining away for this guy, but damn it all, I refuse.

No, instead I’m going to eat M&M’s and After Eights.

I was invited to go with everyone over to their friends for Christmas dinner today, but I couldn’t bring myself to be around other human beings. I’m feeling this desire to have a few non-interaction with Humans days.

That was the intention, but I’m not sure how good of an idea that is now. I suppose though it will serve to stretch these next few days into feeling long and drawn out, as the minutes and hours tick by with no more of him then that short conversation last eve. Minutes and hours to obsessively go over everything he said, piece by miserable piece, trying to figure out what it means. He likes me? Is he just being nice? Does he miss me? Will he show up forlorn and droopy again at my door, as he did that first time?

Funny thing is, that droopy, sloppy guy I met in the summer, became at some point this other person I found rather attractive. This stranger went from looking like something I found living under one of London’s many bridges, to someone I can’t stop thinking about naked.

In truth, I admit that it is hard to say I’ve lost him, since I guess I never really had him to begin with. Which in essence is the purpose behind why I finally turned him away. I’ve known from the beginning this one was going to be dangerous.

Knew it, knew it, knew it. I tried to turn away, but he grabbed me by the hair and pulled me towards him, and I was carried away by his backyard bouquets and dark cocoa chocolate bars. I am weak. He was not ready for one such as I. He may have thought he was, but I finally successfully managed to point out to him that in fact he was indeed wrong – alas, I do admit I sometimes have wished I’d just left it all alone. But, he we not over that ex-wife of 35 years and he needed to acknowledge that. She had hurt him and he was not ready to trust someone yet.

Until 3 weeks ago when he finally broke down, and lying there beside me one last time, he finally admitted the truth.

I scared him.

I don’t exactly know what happened to them, and he says neither does he, but he swears it is over. Had been he said for the last 5 years of their marriage, and they have been separated now almost 2 years.

How does someone just walk away from 35 years? I’m not quite sure I believe him…and that is another reason I pushed him as far away as I could. He won’t be pushed that far though, and last eve he demonstrated how dangerous he is.

Mom, this one got under my skin. God help me I wish I could erase him.

Yet you know as well as I this is all one big test. If he comes back, then I know he may actually stick around. I had to know, I had to let him find out how he really feels, and if he CAN be without me then I don’t want him anyways.

No more will I compromise, I want the feel my knees go weak every time I look at him guy. I want the walk into telephone poles while I’m smiling at a text he sent me guy.

Mom, I want what you and Dad had.

Always,

Paula