Do I Want the Mask? Or The Mirror?

The stories are woven
and fortunes are told
The truth is measured
by the weight of your gold
The magic lies scattered
on rugs on the ground
Faith is conjured
in the night market’s sound

Would you like my mask?
would you like my mirror?
cries the man
in the shadowing hood
You can look at yourself
you can look at each other
or you can look at the face,
the face of your god
~ Marrakesh night market,
by Loreena McKennitt

Not one of us is guaranteed anything but a beginning and an end, the rest is a gift.

The front tooth has been knocked out again. It was loosened last week, but it finally bit the dust over the weekend. My regular dentist was away till Wednesday, so went to the one their voicemail suggested. Basically told me what I already knew, that I need a lot more work than just that damn tooth in the front. Yeah, yeah, I know, I know.

If anyone understands Mom, I know you do. Perhaps I’m too vain, but it robs me of what little social life I have. Thankfully I work on the phone and don’t have to deal with customers directly. I’ll just have to suck it up buttercup. I’ve managed to get a couple of days off this week, but that’s just a reprieve.

Whether or not my dentist will be able to fix it same day again remains to be seen. So I’m in a holding pattern till I see my regular dentist tomorrow after work.

It does give one pause, as vanity is a deadly sin they say. Course, I don’t go in for that stuff, but still, it has some merit – as far as not letting vanity get the better of you.

I’ve been told I was pretty for as long as I can remember, so who am I to wallow?

Sometimes I believe I’m maybe too real for such a fake world.

Not to say appearance is not important, but not more so then our emotional and psychological well-being. Lately it seems all one sees are one ad or another proclaiming the merits of personal perfection. How this particular cream made their skin perfect, and this diet or pill made their body perfect, and this get-rich scheme made their general life perfect. BS.

Does being pretty make you perfect? Does it make you happy? Certainly has not been my experience. Yet, so many crave this illusive perfection, and then when we fall short of the mark, well, we shame ourselves, and hide away thinking that our flaws degrade us, and make us less.

So, I’m getting rid of all that. Or, trying. trying. trying.

Oh, and I just left D3 a message and told him to take a hike. Lots of reasons, though mostly just finally listening to what my gut was trying to tell me, but my heart was not willing to hear.

I’m going to deal with my teeth, finally, and I don’t need some crossroads man messing with my head. Not anymore. I don’t know what in the heck he wants, and I don’t think he does either. I KNOW what I wanted, but that’s irrelevant. Would have been wonderful to have someone to lean on once in a while, someone to make me smile. I don’t think he’s strong enough though. I don’t need anymore weak-minded men traipsing around in my life, messing me up more than I can myself.

So Mom, I see the dentist tomorrow, and I guess then I’ll have a better idea of what the game plan is. Have to put in a quote to see what my crappy dental plan will cover, and then I can figure out how I’m going to pay for it.

And the debt collectors found me. So I guess those assholes are looking for their pound of flesh too.

No, I’m going to be carrying light for the foreseeable future I guess. Spending my money on ebooks, and keeping my nose down. So tired of being hurt and feeling used. Plus, he didn’t really like Irish, or dogs generally, so what does that tell you? And it’s not just one thing he did, it’s a lot of little things. I’m not particularly angry, just more disappointed I guess. But ya gotta listen to your gut.

So, that’s my news of the week. Back to work tomorrow morning, and hopefully the dentist will be able to rig something up temporarily – he did the last time (fingers crossed). No more wallowing, and perhaps more walking, more reading of good books out within my little secret garden, or just sitting staring up into that big beautiful Black Walnut, admiring its loveliness.

Won’t say no more men, as we both know that would be a lie. I’m the consummate romantic, and somewhere out there is that man who will love my strength, my mind, my heart, and my honesty. I will NOT let the beast get me down.

So, I bought a Charles de Lint ebook for my Kobe this afternoon, and I’m making myself some lunch, and I’m going to go out and enjoy of this beautiful day within my little garden.

Always,

Paula

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2 thoughts on “Do I Want the Mask? Or The Mirror?

  1. Now which Charles de Lint book did you go for?
    And in the end the choice isn’t between the Mask or the Mirror
    It is always both or neither – but never either 🙂

    Like

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