Ventured again around the corner to Crossroad Man’s. His best friend, who is also an ex-lover, dropped in after I got there. The three of us had a lovely dinner, drank some beers, chatted. After she left, we chatted some more, and then we headed over to my place { I refuse to sleep at his place, the ceilings in his rooms are all full of black mold from the leaks in his roof }. So when we got back here, I wanted to show him this vid on creativity I thought he’d enjoy. Wrongo. 

CM has some SERIOUS issues, apparently, with creativity. 

Played him that TedTalk of Elizabeth Gilbert where she speaks of the idea of the Daemon and/or Genius of classical times. Well, when she started to discuss her philosophies and these ancient classical ideas towards creativity, and the shift we’ve made away from the concept of creativity having a life of its own, a spirit, outside ourselves, thus taking some of the credit for our success, or failures… well CM got all fidgety.

Then Gilbert discussed the modern mindset of creativity, and how we see it as within, and only within, and thus making us solely responsible for both our successes, as well as our failures.

I like that idea, and I definitely agree – the ancients had it right.

Well, than she started to talk about discussing this with musician Tom Waits, that’s when CM really got heated, face went all red, and he “knows this already, and don’t need to see this. What do I want to listen to some rubbish from some rich artist lecturing me on success“, he says.

Oh yes, he’s seen it ALL before, he knows all this already, knows all about it, seen it on TV, he says. He was above this drivel though, don’t you know, he is beyond this trite advice. Yet, not an hour before he had told me he was hearing lyrics again in his head, and he knew that he’d be returning to his music soon. 

Whatever. Jealous much? 

The video hit some nerve. So I told him to just get the hell out, go. Get lost. Vamoussshhh.

He keeps pulling this crap. Why should I constantly be reminding him that I won’t be bullied? I mean, seriously manipulative tactics. 

 We all at some point struggle with the daemons in our head, or the genius lying in wait within.

He is a musician at heart, he plays mandolin and guitar, and hasn’t performed live in years, and I don’t understand why.

But that’s not my problem. I recognize it, but damned if I’ll play the loving, compassionate punce any more. I will not just ignore these tantrums stoically, as I once would have. Damned if I’ll always be the one who looks past their cruelty, to the hidden, damaged, soul beneath.

Not my monkey’s, not my circus. 

I now realize that this constant negative attitude is wearing me down. I’m in this good place, and I don’t have everything I want, but so what? I’m working on it. 

He doesn’t get abusive physically, but he runs off at the mouth, and steams up the atmosphere with this mist of manipulation, and negative vibes.

So I showed him to the door.

I sat back down and decided I refuse to feel like I’m constantly playing dodge ball. 

Sometime afterwards, I decided to text that guy I told you about yesterday, the one I had pushed away in September. 

Why? Well, oddly enough, because CM had told me that I should. CM knows full well how much of an asshole he can be, and knows damn well he’s not fit for any sort of companionship. He has told me he is an angry man. Point taken. 

That is partly why I texted that other guy. Once we’d establish our continued mutual interest, I put some rules in place though: 1) no between the covers, and 2) friendship only – until further notice. 

I’m thinking a month. Think that’s long enough Mom? Maybe two? Damn it all, my track record hasn’t been the best, but I really just want someone I can hang out with, if I’m completely honest. I’ll admit it freely, I’m lonely. Damned if I’m going to wallow in it though.

This was the guy who suggested I may be happier with two jobs I really like, then with one full-time job I can’t stand. Not that I went after that necessarily, it just happened that way, but I wonder, if he hadn’t come along if I’d even applied? If it hadn’t transpired the way it did, I may still be stuck. Still.

Weakened. Feeling trapped. I was genuinely thankful for that advice. 

If you’ll remember Mom, he’s the one who shares the same birthdate as Tim (different year though). Plus, he has some obvious similarities to Tim, but only subtly. However they are not exactly alike – actually, quite different. This guy is more controlled, a real hard worker, and far more confident than Tim ever was. And he’s happy.

Not all the time, not habitually, or artificially – but he is working on getting the things he wants, rather than just settling with acquiring only what he needs… and I guess that makes all the difference. 

So at some future point I guess I should sit down with CM and let him know he is an ex-lover, and maybe he was always just meant to be a friend… maybe. Or, maybe he just needs to go completely ‘bye bye’ from my life? I don’t know. He is very annoying though. 

So Mom, I just realized I had enough, and frankly he no longer really turns me on. All that negativity really is after a while a real turn off.

Hiding from the monsters in your head, well eventually they manifest outside our bodies, but not necessarily in a good way. Not in a creative way, but often in a destructive way. 

Maybe that is the message, eh? Reign/rein in thy daemons through acknowledgment, don’t deny them and think they just disappear… cause they don’t.

Instead, they will haunt you, and manifest outside as angry words, and drain your psyche, and eventually they will eat through your flesh and corrupt your creativity, and make you into something negative, and slowly you will kill that spark within you… your genius.

That’s what I’ve learned. I’ve learned that we need to surround ourselves with others who are like us, others who are seeking, who recognize that spark that speaks to us, and choose to explore it. We should learn to embrace those daemons. I want to be amongst those who understand this, who have maybe even gone against the advice of their peers, and instead chosen to pursue their dreams, regardless of how scary. To take that leap, to throw caution to the wind, and know that even if they fail, at least, at the very very least, they can’t fault themselves for trying.

Otherwise, my days are filled, my heart is joyful, thankful, and I am genuinely feeling blessed… and I don’t need any more weak wankers in my life. 

 

love Paula