Well, apparently, from what I read and experienced of late it is my wide open door nature and my faith in humanity that causes some of my difficulties. I guess I need to say NO more.
Although, I’ve also come a long way since Tim.
Don’t know if you read that post of mine from yesterday Mom yet, but been processing some cold truths. Taking a good look around, and trying to figure out why exactly it is I seem to attract these extremely needy personalities.
And every time I step back from the fray, I am reminded of FORGIVENESS. That that is the key to moving on, and not carrying all the excessive baggage afterward.
Not forgiveness of them, per se, but of myself. As one post I read put it “an unconditional acceptance“.
So, true forgiveness also comes from a place of total self-acceptance, which can only come through honest self-inquiry — by looking past my ego, connecting with the stillness inside, and accepting those unhealed parts in me that you so frequently triggered.
At the core is I guess my vulnerability to people who are charming, left of centre, unique.
I am a sucker for their carefree nature, that dynamic oddball.
I suppose I have a weakness for people’s empathy and compassion, too. And I am often too susceptible to overt displays of affection. Silly me. How human of me.
You know, like you where Mom. You knew me and my moods, my broods. You knew my easily wounded heart. You knew my stoic acceptance of my condition, and how to poke my ticklish spots to lighten me up.
I found myself yesterday on my bike ride to work, totally lost in trying to reason out why that friend who shall not be named is the way he is. Like, to the point of distraction. When it dawned on me – and why do I care? Once he had been away for all those weeks, once I had got away from him for a bit, I recognized that I did not have a strong a handle on it all. I realized that what had begun as my reliance on him during that time last fall when I was out of work, had turned a bit co-dependent and that he was banking on this.
Stunned was I. Just sayin’.
Truly Mom, I really thought I’d had a handle on all that.
Now certainly he is far, far from the extreme of Tim. Plus, I really liked having someone I could lean a bit on. Someone who would poke their nose in once in a while, maybe just to say HEY. Yet somewhere in there I didn’t realize I was becoming some kind of fifth business within this harem of women he surrounded himself with. Heck, I realized yesterday I wasn’t even just SECOND in his life…I was wAAAay down on that totem pole.
But while he was gone, I rocked his little damn boat. So he came over and spewed this vile nonsense, trying to disconnect me from his web.
But back to that whole idea of acceptance. I like my caring nature. I like that I leave my door open to people. I like that I am forgiving. Those are things I will not apologize for. I don’t want to be suspicious of everyone that comes near me. Yet, I am. Just a little mind you, but I am more suspicious. More guarded.
I guess maybe it comes down to perhaps being more wary of people’s intentions. To listen more to what they are not saying. Also, to be more cautious with my forgiving nature; after all, not everyone deserves it.
This time around I saw it and did something about it. I stepped back, I wasn’t pushed. I was wary of his intentions, so I cut off one portion of our relationship – the sex. I recognized the pattern this time and didn’t allow myself to be taken in too far. At one point I began throwing out all the left-overs he gave me. Most of them barely made it into my fridge.
I recognize too that in fact, I didn’t fit his profile, I had too much control over my life, my choices, my passions. I was far less apologetic with my actions. He had a difficult time putting me down, cause I was too good at lifting myself UP.
He lives in the neighbourhood so I won’t be able to completely avoid him, and I know damn well he’ll be back. Yet I don’t need anything from him. I don’t WANT anything of him. He can be whomever he pleases, and act in any way he chooses. I don’t have to engage. I can just smile, and say well, now you have a good day, cheerio and be on my way. No harm no foul.
I am self-sufficient. I always have been. Certainly, I need some love and affection now and again, though. I do miss that in my life. So, I accept that, and I recognize that is something I need to work on.
Now, I guess it almost seems counter to my well-being, but I believe a little vulnerability is a good thing. Sometimes I wonder if that’s half the problem. Maybe I am TOO strong, TOO stoic, and just don’t reach out, until it’s almost too late.
So that’s about it for now. Couple days off work in row… YAY!! Really need some R&R. Need a break.
Just before I got to work yesterday, once I’d got a handle on my thoughts before I got side-swiped by some car, I decided that I over think and need to take a creative time out. So that’s the theme of the next 48 hours.
Forgiveness too is about being thankful for the experiences of life. Hard as these lessons sometimes are to learn, wisdom truly only comes through experience. I know that now.
If I had not met these people, I would not be who I am today. Whether it was the ex-husband, the lover, or the friend, they all might have abused me in some way, abused my good nature, but without them, I would not know what I know today.
Certainly, without Tim and his psychopathic control, I certainly wouldn’t have this blog, and I wouldn’t have this outlet. I certainly wouldn’t know myself as well, as he had a pathological need to point out my flaws, my insecurities, my triggers.
I am blessed with experience, I suppose. And just blessed. And wouldn’t life be boring if we were all perfect all the time? Always did the right thing? And always took the safe road, and were always cautious, and never went out into the wild?
All of us are flawed. All of us have our wounds, we are all the walking wounded. Compassion helps. You haven’t lived enough if you don’t have a couple wounds. Some well-earned scars. That’s where the light gets in.
I do see how all of them gave me gifts that I cherish. Life experiences, and certain knowledge of self. More than that, I guess it’s forced me to communicate some of this, and that’s important too. Sharing is caring, as they say. : )