Well, it finally happened, discovered late in the morning yesterday that it was in fact Saturday. Surprisingly that was the first day I got confused. It did come as a bit of a surprise, as I was thinking Thursday, or possibly Friday, but not Saturday.

Which means Friday was a blur, went by without notice… whooosh. I think I remember washing the floors in the morning… early… 6AM like early? Used your vinegar and water solution on the battered boards, so that’s done, a check mark in the done column. Or, was it really Friday? Come to think of it could have been Thursday. Such as the days now, as the actual day of the week, like the name of the day, has become rather irrelevant.

As do meals, or the when.

I mean, I know I ate food, but I eat now when I’m hungry more than at any set time. For instance, I ate toast with butter last night at around 7:30, and yes mom, that was my dinner.

I mean, it was good toast. And by good toast, I mean GOOD toast.

Prebiotic multigrain. And by multigrain, I mean MULTI GRAINs. And they ain’t messing about, it has Chia seeds, Hemp flour, Flaxseeds, Sunflower Seeds, Pumpkin Seeds, with an “Artesian Spring Water recipe”.

This stuff is foo-foo on a plate. It is the bread one DOES NOT put margarine on. I mean, margarine on bread like this is an abomination, in my not so humble opinion.

You know mom, in so many ways, large and small, I really have been preparing for this isolation thang my whole life. Days go by, but my focus has been maybe skewed differently than other people, as I’ve danced naked in the dark with this oneness for a bit now.

From how I eat, to when I sleep, where I go, who I see, who I even allow into my world, all of it has prepared me.

I have kept certain parts of myself at-bay, in the shadows, only for certain people, and on my schedule. I don’t encourage intrusions.

For so long I was maybe a little embarrassed by her, this me I am, always have been. Afraid to admit that I’m just happier, more whole, more me without a lot of things around, without a lot of people around. I don’t require the same stuff that others need, and I generally discourage others poking into my world, dropping in uninvited, unannounced visitations are rare.

I look inward for all those things I used to seek outward for, all the things I used to hunt for out there, but no longer.

And you know mom, I find myself tuning out, shutting it off, turning away, as so many corners of this world right now are without mercy, without empathy, and anger and fear and this seething rage from some, well it drives wedges wider and wider.

And who can stand against all that for long?

Instead, I seek joy, faith, belief, hope.

I see communities of multitudes reaching out for one another. Virtual though they may be, the bonds that most people crave for sanity are fragile, as nerves become frayed, out the corner of our collective vision we watch the lunatics on the fringe terrorize.

So we grasp those we love closer, reach out to find hope, faith, goodness, kindness, strength, courage, more than ever.

It is hard to watch. That knot of anxiety rises within me, and I have to turn away. Bite my tongue, or stop my fingers typing the words I would like to say, want to say. Stories run by on my twitter feed, the news is of course a barrage of more chaos, corruption, greed, cronyism, and terrorists with machine guns are allowed to mount the steps of State capitals all over America, and the world gasps.

Of late though I ask myself questions, like, who do the words serve? Are they necessary? Will it feed the hate?

And instead I just scroll by, let it go.

So, with the lunatic fringe down yonder terrifying the populace to sacrifice the elderly and the weak, so they can buy stuff and get their hair cut, I’ve been thinking of a fable about a fight of two wolves, Cherokee in origin I guess.

One evening, an elderly Cherokee brave told his grandson about a battle that goes on inside people.

He said, “my son, the battle is between two ‘wolves’ inside us all. One is evil. It is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.

The other is good. It is joy, peace love, hope serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith.”

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, “which wolf wins?”

The old Cherokee simply replied, “the one that you feed.”

Horribleness is plentiful, abundant in every corner of the internet, as it always has.

Though, more so now, much more, as now a master manipulator of chaos reigns supreme over that lunatic fringe, inciting them to hate more, lie more, be meaner, be more selfish, greedier. As we all watch the wealthy elite clutch their pearls over their precious stock portfolios, willing to throw the weak to the wolves, as the world shifts sideways, and we all struggle our own unique struggles, knowing it is probably only going to get worse in the months ahead, I am not doing anyone a service by adding my own anger, or fear, throwing out more hate to the harangue serves no one but those monsters with guns.

The things I hold precious, well, they can not be bought and sold on the open market.

I know which wolf I want to feed.

Love,
paula