Lately I’ve found myself just scrolling, scrolling, scrolling, reading, processing, ignoring, walking, eating, drinking tea, smoking my cylinders of sin on the stoop in the garden, not having one single clue, what to do, either next, or never, or while I wait, or if I should wait, or what to woo. What to do?

Teeth on hold, life on hold, everything uncertain, and my mind has turned slowly to mush.

Waiting for them to call me about my teeth, and geesus, I just wanted this all done, so I could start fresh, do something different, more exciting and more… I don’t know. Very frustrated. Goddamn it I’m just sitting here like a stagnant pond.

“The tears of the world are a constant quantity. For each one who begins to weep somewhere else another stops. The same is true of the laugh.”

Samuel Beckett, Waiting for Godot

Injustices abound everywhere all over the news, gnawing at my soul. Try to ignore it, but, hard to ignore it.

Growing and spreading, like the rotten cutworms outside munching all my once beautiful Creeping Jenny to smithereens.

Fog of anxiety, and a bit of the fear of the unknown I see more and more all around. Don’t know, don’t have a clue. Feel like I should have more of a clue. So, I have lately begun to worry more, or feel guilty more, of not doing more… but what should I be doing?

And, of course, looking yonder south, the COVID-19 cases are growing and hospitals overflowing, state after state positive cases exploding, and leadership in many of those states is at an all-time low, as Governors fawn in lockstep to the commander of chaos, and a whole faction of the Republican Party have coagulated like bloodclots, made wearing a mask a political issue, a political stunt that is on its way to killing thousands more than it otherwise would.

#winning pic.twitter.com/72YKJpdjyX

— Charlie Sykes (@SykesCharlie) June 24, 2020

But… why? God, you know mom, it boggles the mind, seriously, at the evil that some humans will do, and for what?

I don’t know. Some because they fear Trump, maybe some because they are compromised, others just because they are weak spineless ignorant fools, or those that just want to wallow in the power their status gains them.

May they all be damned their entire life on earth, and after, amen.

Or, maybe a giant authoritarian global movement of evil monsters trying to shift power from the forward open-minded equality driven democratic approach, to the aristocratic male dominated monarchical models of the past.

So, I’ve come to view cautiously these moments that look hopeful.

Hopeful lately can be scary, feelings of hope have started to feel weird, and rare as they are, they are followed often by that crushing blow, and a new low.

Yet, I clutch hope as a cherished memory of childhood, fold them up with care, and take them with me, forward, onward, through the haze of hate and fear and stress.

Propping up the monster of hate are his slew of delusional cult followers, wallowing in the pleasure of race-baiting like it’s a klan rally, preying on the weak and vulnerable minds they have no desire to protect, just to use for their own purpose.

Under the clamped fist of hate and fear, his eager followers, fuelled with ignorance and misinformation, swagger in to the arena, MAGA hats on, but few wearing masks, like Celts going into battle naked against the might of Rome, they are the doomed. Yet, they swear to their angry god, and believe the piece of crap is somehow a savior.

All anti-science lunatics, a breed of human so ignorant they are completely unaware of their staggering wrongness.

This angry Florida woman argued today against the mask mandate, while bringing up the devil, 5G, Bill Gates, Hillary Clinton, "the pedophiles" and the deep state.

Enjoy… pic.twitter.com/yqKUZNQYLQ

— Rex Chapman🏇🏼 (@RexChapman) June 24, 2020

But, hopeful, fleeting glimpses were seen last weekend. With more smatterings of hope this week.

GenZ, the name for the group your granddaughters are part of, of those born between 1995 and 2015, well, they are the cause for part of this hope. The oldest of the group now voting age, and encompassing the mass of teenagers who last weekend punked Trump so hard it pretty much had half the globe in stitches the next morn.

Basically the Trump campaign expected about 100,000 would be in attendance, bragged about it endlessly, held at a rally in Tulsa in a deep red state, surrounded by other states with lots of supporters. What could go wrong?

Ya, well, there was well less of 7000 that showed up, and that number includes security, paid actors, staff, Secret Service people etal.

So, maybe the GenZers campaign to buy up tickets they had no intention of using, maybe fooled the campaign, but still it doesn’t explain why even so, why were there so few that wished to attend?

Well, time will tell, whether fear of the numbers being bragged around by the campaign, analytically skewed by the prank, or just the virus itself actually convinced people to stay home, still, a shocking low.

Lost in this side shuffle, is that this leader was all too willing to risk the lives of his most loyal followers, basically for another photo-op.

Where because of the numbers they could certainly have pivoted easily, and changed the venue to the outside stage, and spaced everyone out. Yet, they didn’t, and all to assuage the ego of a monster narcissist, now sporting a gigantic bruised ego.

So, basically, the whole rally was a complete… you know mom, I have to say I have almost totally run out of words to describe how this man somehow exudes so much evil and greed that….and how to actually find words for… the breathtaking, consistent, cruel, thoughtless, selfish, monstrous thing after monstrous thing, person, event, statement, corruption dripping from all over everything he touches, and all the while Attorney General Barr busy corruptly covering Trumps ass right in full view, from which ever of his numerous corrupt or slimy acts… clusterfukry du jour.

It is a fire hose of crisis and chaos, one thing after another, and another, and it’s a hellfire down yonder mom, complete disaster in the making.

And, I wait, wonder, worry, wait some more. Wonder. Worry.

Disasters down yonder are becoming common, and so let’s add Tulsa to the list. His loyal cult followers exposed to not just his 105-minute diatribe of blather and obvious bruised ego snivelling, on and on he went about his West Point ramp walking like an old decrepit man, and the two-handed glass of water thing, really just trite and meaningless, which is of course what they came to see.

I mean, clearly this bunch had a low bar for success, as we watched a standing ovation for him drinking a glass of water with one hand and throwing it aside, smirk on his face.

Holy moly batman, dear lord and baby Jesus, after that low-energy disaster of a rally, pranked by a magnificent solidarity of teenagers into thinking the numbers would be huge, giving them no room to spin, and old rumpTress must have been one angry small-handed tyrannical toddler afterwards, and we all watched this dishevelled return over and over again all Sunday, to various accompanied mood music.

And, the staggering ineptitude, complete disregard for protecting those in attendance, knowing a full 24 hours or so ahead that 6 staffers had just tested positive, like a tsunami of cruelty and selfish greed, smattering of abject ignorance, authoritarian style.

Ok, well, enough of that. About me. So, feeling wallowy, unhinged a bit, kinda sad, sorta not really certain what to do next, and what CAN I do next? Mind is mush.

Yet, yet… this is just that darkest time before the dawn. I hope.

Anywho… what to do? Can’t just let all this wash through me and not be effected by it all. You know me mom, I will work my way through, one day at a time.

Well, and call the dentist and ask WTF? And, than wait some more.

“Let us do something, while we have the chance! It is not every day that we are needed. Not indeed that we personally are needed. Others would meet the case equally well, if not better. To all mankind they were addressed, those cries for help still ringing in our ears! But at this place, at this moment of time, all mankind is us, whether we like it or not. Let us make the most of it, before it is too late! Let us represent worthily for one the foul brood to which a cruel fate consigned us! What do you say? It is true that when with folded arms we weigh the pros and cons we are no less a credit to our species. The tiger bounds to the help of his congeners without the least reflexion, or else he slinks away into the depths of the thickets. But that is not the question. What are we doing here, that is the question. And we are blessed in this, that we happen to know the answer. Yes, in the immense confusion one thing alone is clear. We are waiting for Godot to come — ”

Samuel Beckett, Waiting for Godot

_Love,
paula