That mound of humanity had been a desire of mine for years, and fear of being so far away from everything I had ever known lured me, and so I spent 6 years within that gigantic multicultural opportunity driven metropolis until I met Tim. What he found was a sad and lonely drunk wallowing in her grief, I was an easy mark, and so began … Continue reading Setting Free Those Captive Seasons By A Lake
Progressing through these posts, one by one, with a little trepidation, and reading each only maybe twice through, first to read and then again to fix the most garish mistakes and not touch them again, after adding my two cents, or a dollar’s worth. Of these days of early spring I do recall but hazily, as consumed was my mind on that leaving of a … Continue reading The 21st: Before The Dawn Of Simplicity
It’s been a week of rain, as I write this I can hear it is once again pouring, I’m writing this in a stream of consciousness, and it seems apt that almost every day more rain falls to wash all the things away I no longer need to carry, no longer need to burden myself with. These posts serve to help me see how far … Continue reading The 66th Draft: Reconstructing a future
Seventeen years ago this October 31st, and Mother’s Day blows in like a gentle breeze, kisses my cheek, and I smile and am thankful I had her as my mom. The other day at work I overheard some co-workers asking each other what are you doing for your mom this year? I got teary, turned away, thinking I wanted to tell them how lucky they … Continue reading Every Year On That Day
I may have to change my route to work, as I cycle past his place, zigzagging through the village. Not a big thing, and won’t change the time it takes, but something. Something I have to avoid for a bit, I think, until the rawness subsides. It’s a trigger. Definitely a BIG trigger. I honestly didn’t know. I mean, saying it now it seems ridiculous, … Continue reading A Bonfire For The Soul
I know grief, its pit in the stomach, its hollow insides, its anxiety, its tears, its unexpectedness, and that’s how I know that this feeling is grief. I know it’s inability to eat cause of the sick feeling in your stomach, the drifting mindless from room to room, documentary to movie to Hallmark crap Movie on YouTube, lost in a fog. I know it’s out-of-place … Continue reading Leaving Day
Maybe in a way it’s like I put my grief in there too, and when I found it sitting, buried under a heap of all the things I hadn’t made time to sort out yet, after taking everything out, laying strewn around my small space, I dealt with the pieces, one by one, until that suitcase was the only thing left without a place. At … Continue reading Making Space For Better Things, Finally
on the way back to my childhood after presents and too much wine and I’m on my way home a sadness lingered of a song that played dancing in her motown way and Christmas laughter, with that holiday cheer and we missed her again this year Continue reading the missed
It was just one thousand, four hundred and seventy-five days. That’s all there were. Just now, whilst re-arranging my closet, I came across another reminder of those last days of Tim’s life. Some sort of bed liners that the palliative Nurse had given us, and for some insane reason I’d saved the stupid things. Crazy really, but I suppose it’s my Grandma in me not wanting stuff … Continue reading The Gnarl of Beauty in its new home
A year ago today, I wrote this – One by One [published: Oct. 31, 2012] I had been blogging 5 days. It was just me and Irish, alone at the Lake, in our little cottage. I was experiencing a profound grief. Tim’s death had been so much different than hers. So many different emotions, experiences, thoughts, and the circumstances. The grief was even different. Tim … Continue reading One by One: a year later
It was 3AM when I got the call. It had been an odd day. Out of the blue, or so, it seemed at the time, this volunteer lady with VON just somehow called me, and she drove me back that day to the cottage from the hospital. As she was driving me, she goes “now I have insomnia, so don’t you hesitate to call me, … Continue reading Hazey Dayz and Angelz
I’ve been weighing lately the merits to glossing over my life with Tim and creating out of the ashes a new version of the truth. There is no easy way to remember my time with him. I remember distinctly the day I decided I was coming along for this crazy ride. I know, and as strange as it may sound, I am not misremembering that … Continue reading How Do You Mourn The Dead?
Oh, I am so fey, so much sometimes that tea-towel in the wind. As the weather warms, the trees all fresh with new green leaves, spring flowers burst out with their pinks & yellows & purples, and as the light rises in the sky, it illuminates so many memories. Good f’n maudlin sometimes. I push myself, every day, I show myself how wonderful it is … Continue reading The Gifts Of The Muse
by PaulaB 