… and so I write…Friday Morn, October 26, 2012

In my journal, I’ve recorded our memories, good and bad. I’ve recorded all the trials and smiles. I turn the pages and remember the rough journey of the last year and a half. Pancreatic Cancer is cruel & painful, and it is hard to watch someone you love suffer so.

Yet, this isn’t just going to be about that side though, even though it was so prevalent in our daily lives. I want to share the rainbows too because we can not live our lives in despair.

As I go through the hundreds of photographs, and look through my journal, and watch the videos we made, I’m reminded of how much we both changed. We’ve gone from two lost souls adrift on the overpopulated banks of Lake Ontario, back to who we really were on the banks of Irish Lake. So I’m going to tell you more about that Tim. A week before Tim passed away one of our good friends Jessica shows up out of the blue on a Monday in the middle of the day with something for Tim. So he becomes all secretive and I’m now a bundle of curiosity.  Well outcomes from the covers this ring box. He takes it out and puts it on my middle finger…not my ring finger. It’s a friendship ring. I can’t believe he planned it without me knowing. Plus, as sick as he was he still had the energy and drive to once again surprising me with such sweet & sincere gestures.

It wasn’t the first time he’d done that in recent months. Just 1 month before he had arranged to have us both whisked off to Walters Falls for a 3-day spa getaway. One of our favourite things to do was walks in the woods, and venturing off the beaten path. Him and Irish would be stomping through the underbrush to parts unknown, and I’d just merely try to keep up with them.  After these adventurers we’d always come back with some treasures; usually just old mossy rocks & sculptural sticks. However, everyone found a place amongst the others that line the garden at the cottage. Over the last 3 years, Tim & I have gradually restored and added our mark to the beautiful garden Shirley & Glenn created together.  A garden is such a healing space, and over the last year and a half, the cottage has been a real blessing.

Some of the best memories we’ve both ever had, happen just this year at the cottage. From impromptu Canada Day sing-a-longs round the campfire on July 1st, to beautiful double rainbows at dawn. We’ve shared drinks with new friends, and memories with family. Just this summer we finally got my sister and her family to come up again for a visit. We had campfires and beautiful sunsets and watched Brooklyn and Megan fish out the boys visiting over at the Newfie Neighbours next door. We made memories that will make us all smile when we think of Tim.

The morning Tim passed away I went over to Jessica’s from the hospital. Jessica met Tim a few years before I did when he was doing handyman jobs for a local Inn, and she was new to town and waitressing. So we sat in her kitchen, and we cried and we laughed and we shared all that we’d miss about Tim.

I guess what I’m saying is I will just miss Tim. Every last bit of him. The good and the bad, the smiles and the trials.

Tim and I had a ritual. Most mornings starting last winter and early spring I would randomly pick an Irish Blessing from a little book I received as a gift a number of years ago.

May the road rise to meet you.
May the wind be always at your back.
May the sun shine warm upon your face.
And rains fall soft upon your fields.
And until we meet again,
May God hold you in the hollow of His hand.
~ from Irish Blessings