Dear Customer From Hell

It will probably fill your evil heart with glee, but its 4AM and I couldn’t get back to sleep. Why you ask? Because your high-pitched caterwauling gave me nightmares.

You know who you are.

This is just a suggestion, but do you think you could maybe practice your banshee impression in some other fashion? It seems unfortunate that you have to call in and wait for 20 minutes at the dinner hour so you can destroy another poor sods eardrums. Isn’t there some kind of Lawyers 24hr helpline? Or perhaps you could try the Mayor of Toronto, Rob Ford, I’m sure he’d appreciate the call (I’m certain he’s grown deaf from his unfortunate wife screaming at him).

You mentioned at one point you live alone. I’m shocked. Who on earth could resist that clever trick you’ve mastered of having your head spin around on your neck? And your talent for speaking in tongues, and the exceptional talent you have of misinterpreting everything your told, I’m surprised no one’s grabbed you up.

Sadly I suppose that calling into random Customer Service departments to verbally abuse the agents on Friday night is perhaps the only avenue you have left. Selfish I believe, as you are depriving so many who would clearly be more appreciative.

I do apologize, but in fact many of us CSR’s are actually quite busy answering real questions, concerns and issues. If in fact you did have some concern, then unfortunately that little nugget was lost at some point. In fact, I have to say, you seemed to be uninterested in actually having your tenuous concerns resolved. So I sincerely apologize if you actually required an answer to the rapid fire questions your delightful mind dreamed up.

Dear me, but I was especially pleased at how succinctly you found a way to avoid answering any of MY questions, and the delightful talent you have of misinterpreting everything your told. I’m sure the evil one must be very proud of how disinterested you are in having whatever contrived issue you have resolved, as I’m quite certain that would be counterproductive to your mission.

OH, and just so you know, you can verbally abuse me till the cows come home but my 20 some odd years in customer service has not bestowed on me the ability to read minds.

I do have to congratulate you as the master of mayhem has clearly provided you with a host of spectacular talents… perhaps you might consider utilizing them in another fashion? Alas, that is a pipe dream, as your contract clearly states you must be as unreasonable a customer as possible, and of course be ready and willing to insult and wreak havoc on as many agents shifts as is inhumanly possible. Let me tell you, what a delightful treat it is to encounter one of the rare psychos who believes the sun revolves around the earth.

I almost forgot, silly me. The most significant aspect of your contract states that you must deflect back at whichever humble CSR you encounter your clearly deranged notion that the universe is out to get you. How did you know? You are very important to us and we stay up way into the wee hours of the morning dreaming up new ways to fuck up every aspect of your life. Its a tiring job, but someone has to do it. No?

Now, as much as I dearly enjoyed our little tête-à-tête, I was wondering if perhaps in future you could find it in your shrivelled heart to call on a Wednesday? I don’t work Wednesdays.