Outside my window here in the village, the rain is falling in large drops, and the sounds of thunder I can hear in the distance. Storm rolling in I guess. Dark blue grey sky’s are illuminated by these bright glowing clouds that are reflected in the wet pavement next door in the parking lot.
As the rain begins to pelt the window, I look around this room and the glow of the walls, brightens the Golden Oak pine cupboard. Oh, this room is FULL of colour, and light, and filled with things that make me happy.
My life, and who I’ve been surrounds me. Here, in this place, I feel as if I have finally settled into life. I’ve learned how to just do, and be, and not be so worked up about what, where or how I make money. Not important what it is, just do whatever it is well, and with your whole heart.
Why not, I spend enough time there. Anywho, rather horrid skulking around all day wanting to be someplace else. Yet always, always, reserve time to do the things you love.
Even if that thing does not make you one single cent, do it with passion, and often.
Happiness can be achieved simply by learning to live in the now. Enjoy where you are, and find your hearts desire right where you are. Regardless of where that is.
Four years in the bush – without internet, cell phones and sometimes even no TV. Cut off, and amongst beautiful pockets of virgin, unadulterated nature. Deep, dark, mossy woods, laden with a delicious musky scent. It calls to you, right out your door, in a whisper. Shhhhh… quiet, it’s all right here…its says. And it was.
Walking away from everything, meant returning. I don’t know why, but over the last year I just can’t deny the education I gained from those years. Things I can’t give back, can not forget, and understand I will carry with me my whole life. As difficult as it was at the end, there were times, those four-square years, when it was pure BLISS. And that is very, very hard to walk away from.
Not just walk away, but leave forever. Yet, who knows, I may get back up to those Grey Highlands one day.
On the other hand, there were times when all I wanted to be was as far away from that place as I could get. I remember running down that dark road – away from the lake, and towards an unknown future that frightened me. Like a net, the lake drew me back to it, back to Tim. Every time. I had the will sometimes, but not the strength to fight against the power of all that that place represented.
I made choices, and I learned – to ignore, turn away from, and look past some realities, and some difficult truths. At one point, alone in the bush, with so much gone, I STILL couldn’t completely turn away. I couldn’t, for this leg of my education had more lessons to impart.
The storm is past now. The sun is trying to shine, but those clouds still have some rains to let loose.
I go back and forth, day upon day, happy, with times of sadness, and loneliness. The seesaw motion, lulls. Makes one think this is the way it’s suppose to be. Well it’s not. I know it, like I knew in those years I was where I was supposed to be. I KNEW. Some lessons you just can not avoid, and some destinies are beyond your control. They take you along their current, bumping off the sides as you are hurtled along its course. Blinded by the spray.
Then calmness, peace, maybe even ALMOST serenity – but it feels so strange? After being tossed about for so long, it’s hard to get used to the calm.
I’ve messed this part up SO many times in the past. GOD DAMMIT, I’m doing it right this time. I’m enjoying the ride, I’m watching the view, I’m enjoying it all, and I’m not looking past this place RIGHT here. I’m not wanting MORE. I am all about NOW. Not later, not then, just NOW. In all honesty? Its the only part of the day I usually have any control over. So I relish it.
I savour the sweet knowledge that NOW is the only important aspect of my life that has ANY significance. Yesterday? Poof!!!…Tomorrow? I can plan what I wear, what I eat, but I have no control over tomorrow till it becomes NOW.
Those lessons I learned in the bush are tangible, and helped to hone my creativity. Because those things I learned in the bush, actually eventually helped me to leave it. To finally walk away.
Through this blog, my writing, and all of that has changed what I see through my lens. Hence, why I began my other blog – THRU A LENS ONLY. I created it to be JUST that. It’s often disused, but never dusty. I see it as my gallery.
NOW…I see those four months after Tim’s death, I see myself sitting by the same piece of furniture, doing still this thing that has come to define me. I look around this blog, and I see so many pieces of myself. Pieces of then, that have created who I am today.