Well Mom, some weight or anxiety, or something, has lifted. Some facet of my inner workings opened a window, and released the hounding obsession of this silly last entanglement I found myself within.
On my way to work yesterday morn, I felt freer than I had for days. It does take me awhile, as you know, to digest emotions, and I can so easily ignore these anxious sensations.
It never ceases to amaze me how easily we attract the same kind of person, right or wrong, again and again. It often seems as though certain types give off some vibe and we zero in, or they toward us, and sooner or later… trapped again.
Recognition though is, as they say, the key to recovery. So there you go.
“He found something that he wanted, had always wanted and always would want — not to be admired, as he had feared; not to be loved, as he had made himself believe; but to be necessary to people, to be indispensable…’very few things matter and nothing matters very much”
― F. Scott Fitzgerald, This Side of Paradise
Onward and so forth. I kept thinking how many things I want to do, yet since October I suppose, well, this last October has taken some getting over. My mind has been trapped inside those dark longings, for things I know will come in time. I’ve festered and fiddled, and in all the ways that drove Tim to distraction, I’ve fidgeted philosophically within, trapped within my own creations.
He was the first you know, the first since you, who recognized this fiddling I do when I have something eating away at me…he’d go “stop it“…and he’d demonstrate to me what I’d been doing. It was rather a stark sense of exposure I felt the first time he said it…it stopped me cold.
“How did you know“? I thought, but never said.
Course, usually the anxiety was over either something he had done, or something I suspected he was doing. But I of course said nothing. I had always bottled up the truth inside, and ignored the voices saying “are you mad? Can you not see what’s going on“?
I’ve never known what to say, what to do, who to trust, as I guess I am often too distracted inside the twisted pathways of my mind. Lost in thought, or just lost, never knowing where exactly I was supposed to be. Or Who.
“Who in the world am I? Ah, that’s the great puzzle.”
― Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland
But I’m just PaulaB. I took a new last name, yet discarded the giver. I often have taken a piece of my lovers with me, even when I was the one to walk away, and it often was.
Mr.Blue.Eyes doesn’t really qualify in that league of course, as our four short months does not warrant such a thing. Except, in his case I will admit to having kept his sunglasses. I was too cheap this summer to go out and get another when my last pair broke, so I just kept his.
So they will get added to the menagerie of lost Loves. I really should in the future stay clear of the lost, for they are my weakness, my Achilles heal.
I’ve always recognized this attraction, or perhaps flaw, and become so entangled in their psychosis that I lose myself. I find it happens just as I begin to turn away, and out leaps one of their goblins, and snatches me back.
I suppose though each of us has our weakness, our Persian Flaw.
Well Mom, back to regular programming I guess. Tis lots more I want to say, lots more I haven’t told you. My mind is teeming with words, and many tales to be told.
“Through dangers untold and hardships unnumbered I have fought my way here to the castle beyond the Goblin City to take back the child you have stolen, for my will is as strong as yours and my kingdom as great. You have no power over me!”
― Jim Henson
Onward thru the labyrinth I go.