Hey, thinking about that last conversation we had up at the Old Vic today. You know, the night before you lost your voice.
I think of it every single time I walk by that damn place. I look up at that area of the hospital, and I imagine in my minds eye that night before you lost your voice. Just you and I. Before you went home.
You lost your voice that night, and so for those last 8 days, as you slowly left the stage, you had no voice. But our last night in the hospital, I made sure I asked you as much as I could think to ask. Stuff I wanted to know, things you had to say, needed to be said. We all knew you quite well.
And, I wanted to hear your voice. To imprint it on my brain.
And I asked you, did you LOVE your life? Or are you content? And, do you remember what you said? You said you were content with it all, but not happy. And then, you said that you really loved being a Mom though.
I’m thinking of all this right now due to an article I saw on my Facebook newsfeed on some psychologist who, and I quote says;
“In it, Schwartz argues that the modern world’s smorgasbord of options—Brawny or Bounty? Coke Zero or Diet? Major in sociology or anthropology?—makes us less happy, not more. “Choice overload,” as he calls it, makes us question our decisions, set our expectations too high, and blame ourselves for our mistakes.”
I really like that concept…
So, damn it all Mom, you had it right you know.
And I always loved that you DID question shit, and you were very open about it. You were not ALWAYS happy, god knows, but you were sometimes as happy as a clam. And you were a fantastic Mom.
I miss you the most I think when its only just Lex and I, and Dad in the room. Or when it’s just a bunch of girls standing round in the kitchen. And right now actually, come to think of it.But that’s not what I wanted to say though. I wanted to tell you I think I’m content. Or, rather, its good enough. And I more or less said that to my Team Lead last week too. I really don’t want more right now. I do, sure, but pft, really can’t be bothered, you know? ALL in good time.
I’m sort of starting to actually enjoy the challenge this job does give me. In many ways.
I’m surrounded by people all day, but I don’t necessarily have to talk to them. Yet, I’m talking to people all day, but I don’t have to see them. Or chit chat or shit. Its business. I’m there to help people, make them aware of their options, maybe even try to once and awhile exercise the selling muscles I gathered while I was in Mississauga.
With those ol’Vultures swirling and whirling over the top of that 12 story art deco monstrosity sitting right beside the 401, it was impossible to not pick up a few tricks of the trade. It’s all about personality, forming connections, identifying. HUH!! Yup, I certainly identify.
“It can be hard, in our culture, to force yourself to settle for “good enough.” But when it comes to happiness and satisfaction, “good enough” isn’t just good—it’s perfect.”
But I did learn some shit from those 6 years, and maybe I don’t need to go anywhere else just now, eh? Maybe I’m content?
I really think where I am right now is in fact good enough. I am completely content to fiddle and faddle with this blog, which, as you can see I just did again Mom. I don’t mind living simply. It suits me.
Anywho. You know, you always thought that working in some dinky little newspaper in buck fuck no-where Dodge was not where you thought you’d be. Turn’s out though, you were damn lucky to have found that.
“One of my favorite Schwartzisms is this: If you ever aren’t sure if you attended the very best party or bought the very best computer, just settle for “good enough.”
People who do this are called “satisficers,” and they’re consistently happier, he’s found, than are “maximizers,” people who feel that they must choose the very best possible option. Maximizers earn more, Schwartz has found, but they’re also less satisfied with their jobs. [Read more]
And so on my walk you know today I had the pleasure to see the first flowers of spring, right here in the village, just off the main street at another crossroads. This crossroad though runs east, in the direction the Egyptians believed represented rebirth and renewal. It was cold today, but the air was crisp and fresh.
And yes Mom, I’ve been engulfed in an Egyptian obsession the last few days. I’m devouring everything. However, I now may be moving on to Persia, since as I just this morning realized I know very little about Persia, and Iran has been in the news alot lately. As has Israel, and the US is in the middle of both of course.
So this is how I spend my time. Its become a rather satisfying life in some ways. And I’m good with that.
More on man front, maybe. Not sure yet. It’s a could be. What intrigues me is his gigantic collection of small everything you can imagine, that he says he just picks up everywhere. AND, he has a collection of bicycles too. I met him a few weeks back at that other crossroads across the way, but going the wrong way maybe? Who knows, and that’s as much as I’ll say. But of course it could all be just due to spring in the air. We’ll see.