Just So You Know

Right…so… he showed up at my door, completely unexpectedly Thursday night, after another really bad day. That bad day had been preceded by other previous bad days earlier in the week. MsL calls them the Menopause Crazies…and coupled with a big’ol’panic attack, just for added flavour, well, I had me one hell of a fantastically awful week.

So there I am wrapped up in my jammies, cross-legged on the bed in front of my laptop, watching some documentary on Egypt, with a mouthful of dark chocolate with Almonds…he said my mouth was covered in it. His first words after the big hug were…“I see you’ve been eating chocolate”. Yes…was my one word answer reply. I didn’t know what else to say, I was numb with shock.

He got his weekends mixed up…and forgot this weekend was Easter. Hence he has been a common fixture since that night. He has kept me fed, in high style, I must say he is a fine cook.

We’ve listened to music, and danced. We’ve talked about everything and danced around my little galley kitchen like old pros, it has been a delicious weekend, and I hesitate to even cherish it more than I do. I so fear what may transpire next.

So of course, there is one tiny fly in the ointment, and she appeared out of the blue Saturday night – the girlfriend he had failed to mention. The one that he’s been wanting to get rid of for over a year (he says)… of course. She is 9 years older than him, and he is 10 years older than me. So if my math is right, the poor lass is 66 years old and just lost her on again, off again, boyfriend of 20 years to some chick 19 years younger. Whether he’s happy or not, or regardless of the fact they haven’t had sex in months and months (he volunteers), regardless, it’s still shitty.

I don’t like being the other woman, and I don’t relish taking things away from people. But what’s done is done. He’s over there I would think today having some sort of conversation, I told him he does at least owe her that, she deserves some sort of closer.

I’m not sure which of us is getting the better deal in this yet Mom though, me or her. We’ll see, is really all I’ve managed to come up with, in answer to his inquests into what my thoughts are on the whole stew of it. WE’LL SEE.

I did mention though to him that IF I CATCH YOUR ASS IN ANOTHER LIE…YOU ARE GONE…totally and completely out of my life…JUST SO YOU KNOW…I said. I said through clenched teeth yesterday. After she left, I thought at first I was fine, but apparently I wasn’t so fine, as I almost fainted right there, dead away, onto his now clean kitchen floor.

But I managed to stumble my way to his unmade bed, and lay there struggling to get the world to stop moving like a ship at sea. I can’t explain what happened, or even now explain how I feel, or what I want. I do know though Mom that I like him quite a lot, and he’s not going to be so easy to turn away from. And I’m not sure I could even if I tried.

Right now I’m not sure how on earth I’m going to get through this next week. Even with him in my life, even so, I still have these anxious, and crazy thoughts, peppered with random bouts of sobbing to contend with. With or without him, I still have things to work through you know Mom. Today though, I have today. And the dog needs to go for a walk, and I need to get outside in the sunshine.

Always,

Paula

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One thought on “Just So You Know

  1. You don’t know me and yet I dare to speak across the blogs – your words move me and inspire me. Just thought I’d speak back and offer my random thoughts from the ether
    It is good that you have your dog as an anchor back into the NOW of living.
    Offering you a moment to take one deep breath at a time; one small step forward on the path of being alive. Enjoy life 🙂
    Sometimes the heart is wiser than all our thoughts
    opening doors to look after our wants and needs
    instead of what is sensible and reasonable.
    That doesn’t mean we ignore the thoughts and doubts – it just means we keep our eye firmly on reality while enjoying the dance and the quickening breath.

    Without passion and desire we are simply empty shells counting down the time and every breath we take.

    Liked by 1 person

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