Going With My Gut

A brief, and subtle silence fills the air just behind me. I turn and find Irish just standing beside the bed, doing nothing, just paused, the quiet hum of the sleeping residence of this once fine old brick farmhouse is suspended. There is nothing to see, only felt. A knowing.

He was just here Mom, I just know. Just standing there, over my right shoulder, smiling, proud, and I can almost see the missing me look in his eyes. Almost.

Now gone.

I wonder why he was here? Yet, I can feel the passage of time, the scent of new paths, and surreal adventures in the air. My nervous, almost giddy, spirit, my seeking soul is saturated in hope. I suppose that drew him.

I guess you don’t need to know every little thing, but let’s just say I also reopened a window I had closed night before last, and that bore fruit. To what ends, I know not, but I just went with my gut. I saw bright new things, new places, friends, and the whiff of what my heart desires. Born whilst walking sunny sidewalks towards one of my new jobs, and I just knew I had reconciled with something within myself.

An epiphany of sorts. But a quiet, gentle one. A growing, brightening, sort of epiphany. One you find within the closet, on the bus, walking cross the parking lot to your new job, sort of epiphanies.

This new why not? This sense of self so new, yet very familiar too, like an old friend. This, this confidence. This… yes this is how it should be… this is the real deal.

New coffee culture pals, once designated as lover, now friend, well we met up again last night Mom. He scared me back in September when I was stumbling towards this end. Having just recently begun to heal that fractured wrist, then discovering the depths of my loathing for my job, I pushed him out, and turned inward, drew up the fortification for what was to come. That’s how it felt.

I couldn’t again begin something with my weak foot forward. I couldn’t again begin something from a place of need and vulnerability, it sets the wrong tone. That can be me, I can be weak, definitely. But I have a strength within, that even surprises me.

So will see.

Lex took me out shopping you know Mom. You’d be so proud of her. Man, don’t know what I’d do without her. Came home Sunday night, and thought of you. Of how much you miss your Mom when things get tough. She was there for me though. I am blessed. Was so anxious, and tired of having to ask for help… but I needed things for work.

We’re good Mom, you raised us well. You gave us the strength to be who we are, to take chances, speak our truth, and think for ourselves. To go with our gut… and thank you for that.

Love Paula

2 thoughts on “Going With My Gut

  1. Ruby sometimes does that too, except she barks. It’s a different type of bark than when she barks at noises outside. She’s actually looking at something (invisible to me) in the room and barking. Not sure who/what it is… we live in an old house. She didn’t know Kaz, so she might not know who he is if if he “visits.” Anyway, glad to see that you’re trusting your gut and recognizing your strength. Your letters to mom are so beautiful. I miss my mom, too. xo


    1. it’s the first time she had ever done it…:-) this image popped into my mind of Tim standing there behind me, scratching her…that’s how she was standing. And thank you, I enjoy writing to Mom… and it keeps her spirit alive. I guess that’s what daughters miss the most, are those conversations, those times you would unburden yourself, share your world, alittle, as my Mom always said “I don’t need to know everything…but”.

      Liked by 1 person

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