Riding through the dark streets last night, on my way to visit a friend, and the night was mild and misty, refreshing, it was good to get out and about on the bike again. It was one of those nights when you are glad you accepted the invite for a couple of beer, and a chat, to get out, to talk with someone I don’t work with.
When I was young mom said I would come bouncing in the door all full of words and stories from my day at school, and if she didn’t catch me than I would hide it away, stuff it inside, and that was no good. I needed to vent my woes and wins, that little introvert I was, with my creative and active mind going at the speed of light, capturing this and that, and without some kind of data dump I’d swirl back inside myself, whosh away like a garborator, and all the words and wins and woes would slip away, never to be seen again in the light of day, but in nightmare, or as curtains in the wind blow in a barren room, a child alone.
I suppose that can be said to be the obvious drawback to living on your own, as in solitude while one such as I does find peace and happiness, yet, tis, not a good recipe to not force myself to venture forth, like anywhere, those days when the hermits life is becoming stale and the quiet sullen, and without some initiative I am overcome by this oblivion that begins to haunt the dark and dreary days, and this winter that is on its way threatens with its winds and clouds and sunlessness that I could, well, decay, rot.
On days I’m caught in the mundanity of day to day it is hard to find beauty among the dirty white, the greys and browns, and steel blue skies when and if they ever arrive, on those rare occasions the blue chooses to expose itself, pushing aside the cloud to give us a wee peek of sunshine, and sometimes snowy things twisting and dancing in the grey light I see things in stark contrast and such beauty not available under pretty skies and happy thoughts.
Realized too over the years that I do have some kind of SAD, or seasonal affective disorder, as in this season has an effect on me, on my mood, and so oddly enough, the more I am out in it the better off I am, maybe because if one does not seek how can one find, because beauty works that way.
For instance, sometimes beauty can be found right across the street from your bus stop one misty dark morning, with parking lot lights illuminating, and sparkles of freezing misty rain appear before my eyes on my new smartphone, and I am delighted, actually delighted, standing there waiting for the bus before dawn, on my way to work, one can find beauty, I have learned.
That is I believe the key, is to get out in it. Perhaps that’s true in any season, for to challenge something, walk out and face it, is I guess the only way to overcome, to not let it win, to harden oneself to the dark by seeking the light, seeking the light and shadow both, as one can not be without the other, and all the myriad twinkles and twists of magic, or stark dichotomy of snowy days, to see beauty, you have to go looking.