To Get Lost Is To Learn The Way

Wanted to talk to, er, write to you, mom for so long, but, honestly, it felt weird. Cause, ah, you know talking to one’s dead mom via one’s blog is sort of weird, right? Well, maybe too hoogy-moogy I guess for some.

Yet, all the things I wrote, The Simple Man, Along That Crazy River, and such, really, they were to you.

And, let me say, the lil’sis was all in a tizzy bout me spillin’ the beans of my sex life in such a public way – as I imagine so would you, if you were alive to say.

Whatever. I’ve been repressed for long enough, and may these vulnerable truths set me free.

But, and maybe part of the problemo is not much has changed, but, it’s about to change, I think, I hope. I believe. Or, least that’s what all the signs seem to say.

Ok, now, brief recap, been a long while, I know.

First no teeth, false teeth, scary, weird. You know how that all goes.

But I’ve been lucky. Pandemic and all, meant I had to wear a mask. Heck, wanted to, considering. Learning how to re-eat food, eating a burger and them not falling out, took awhile, and all sorts of stuff that, other than a raging pandemic out my door, made me a bit gun shy to venture forth into the big bad world. So, um, I didn’t. Least until I got fully vaxxed, and afterwards came the long climb back into the world of real life. Anxiety, panic attacks, be damned.

To be honest, I was blessed. But, anywho.

Just awesome, really, to venture forth into a grocery store, and no one knew. For that first while with no teeth after they were removed? No one could see.

Well, except for those that loved me, cause I wasn’t working after that place I was working closed, and then the pandemic hit, and I waited, and waited, and waited, for the hospital to call.

And, now, I have a new removable smile.

Took me a while to adjust to that. Felt so ugly for so long, with my teeth so horrible, I felt like some junkie. The thought of what people thought, disabled me. And, too, left over pain from all the damage that physically demanding job did to me. It I guess, it, really was a healing time in so many ways.

Confined me.

Defined me.

Refined me.

Simplified me.

So, I guess there is this thing that is happening, all hoogy-moogy, again, sure, but dang, if it doesn’t line up.

Ok, so, now I’m no astrologer, but… apparently… since around the end of December 2021, beginning 2022, the Lunar nodes changed signs. It’s this thing where the Moon crosses the ecliptic of the earth, and it’s very karmic when the south node is in Scorpio, and north node in Taurus, and according to my natal chart I did online, that lines up exact-o-mundo with my own nodes from my birth chart.

Yup, I’m a south node in Scorpio, and north node in Taurus… which meant dittly squat to me until recently when I went hunting the snark for what the fark was going on.

In this energy, one embraces Taurus elements, of grounding and uncomfortable truths, uncharted territory of the soul, and release our shadow qualities of Scorpio, of major baggage, hidden desires, obsessive and destructive patterns.

Well, guess what? Last time this thang took place, was 2003 – 2004… it lasts for 18 months, and happens every 18.5 years.

That was a time of major stuff for me. I mean, what with marriage dying, you died, so moved back home for a time, and then 2003 hits and I decided to venture forth like The Fool to the big smoke to try my hand at starting something new, being new, a different me, a Tabula Rasa, blank slate, fresh start. And, I guess that’s what I got.

And, around we go.

And, here I am, home again, these last 8.5 years. Which, by the by, marks the last time these signs were in the reverse – Scorpio in the north node, and Taurus in the South node. Again, that shift lasted, I think, from late 2012 till mid 2014. Ahem. Which, marked the beginning of a new journey of the broken heart with Blue.Eyed.Man.

Now, everything shifted on its elliptic, and time to pay the troll before you venture forth to a new beginning.

So, basically, this shift is all this karmic shyte still sitting there, taping its foot, waiting to be released, more or less. Deal with it, or it deals with you.

Yip. Basically, playing some part I suppose in some of this emotional chaos being dredged up by blue.eyed ones appearance at my door.

Well, and then Mercury Retrograde in Gemini began on May 10th till the 22nd, where it moves to Taurus until early June. So Merc-o-retro is all about nostalgia, poignant striking truths, seeking closer, emotional check-in, and wait, and wait, and weight. Mistakes of the past showing up at your door, dragging up the vault you’d stuffed it all in, remembrance of things past. Guiding me through self-imposed minefields and mazes of my own creation.

Oh, and also a Lunar eclipse on the 15th in Scorpio had some things to add, and now I fall asleep to binaural beats to heal my heart chakra whilst I sleep.

Seriously, never really felt this stuff before, but this year, powerful mojo.

Retrograde has this tendency, I guess, to cause things to return, and Scorpio is all desire, mystery, and like a phoenix rising from the ashes of your own BS. And all this stuff forces an inspection of old rotten patterns, anxieties, and shedding layers, like an onion, and heal the wounded parts of you.

All that Scorpio energy, is about mystery, desire, and retrograde draggin’ in old shyte thru It’s way back machine, and karmic stuff from the nodes shifting, saying in a loud whisper… “get your shyte together girl”.

Straighten that crown.

So I did. I am. A real release to receive sorta thang.

And, like the blawdy hemorrhoid I found on me arse a few days ago, soothin’ with coconut oil, these are the days of my so-called current life.

So, other morning, lost in a North London maze of streets and places I didn’t know, I found my way, again, guided I believe, back to The Mount, and that Mary shrine/grotto I used to visit when Tim was in London for his Pancreatic Cancer operation.

Don’t even ask why I was in a North London maze of streets, but, let’s say I needed a new point of view, I guess. First I got all turned around, going North when I should have gone South, and once on my way, I got lost again in this maze of a parkway the runs along somewhere up near the University, and so forth.

This news of me having no blawdy sense of direction, no doubt comes as a shock. Eh?

Well, so, saying to myself perhaps too loudly for normal sane people at 6 AM… “I am a holy temple of love and oneness”… as I made my way, as the dawn broke, and I found my way, back down that crazy river that winds its way back to my home.

I’ve learned you can lose joy for a bit. You can forget where you put it. You can lose sight of who you are, what you are, and what you truly, deep down inside, desire. Lost in shadows of the past. Lost in people you used to be, but are no more.

Ripped out like my teeth, removed, lost in solitude, and plants, and collecting rainwater, and looking for a job, a way, healing, acknowledging my deepest desires.

And, wisdom is crystallized in pain… as someone recently explained. Which, was true, as my feet throbbed for a whole day after my little pilgrimage, there and back again.

With my life upside down, backwards, and sideways, for the last while, got all too easily caught up in old heartaches of the past.

Lost love, hurt, unrequited, slighted, emotionally abused, and all that guk that had plugged up my heart, I needed a refresher course in guiding my way through the dark nights of the soul.

Yes, I want more.

And, mom, I felt this need to share this with you, and pour out my heart out like I used to do.

I miss you.

Miss your sage advice, our talks.

I remember one of the last things I said to you, was that I would concentrate on me, for a while. Just me. I know you disagreed, as you turned to me, and uttered just the word… no.

So, that didn’t go so easily.

With all the men who have come and gone, I struggled to just see me. Just me. What did ME want?

Well, more.

I learned there is nothing wrong with desire, unicorn rare as it can be for me, it is out there. Without that endless need to fill the void, I can see myself far more clearly. No compromises, empathizing, strategizing, lying to myself, nope, not anymore.

Life, lopsided, perhaps a smidgen empty, I am ready to find someone to love me, because I believe in things I can’t see. I am purging the old cycles, the wounds, the regrets and all the things I try to forget.

You said to me a long, long time ago… never give anyone all of me, as I am wont to do. Always keep a little piece back. Keep a bit of mystery. Never lose sight of me. Yet, I don’t know.

I mean, I guess you don’t always have to be right about everything. Actually…

One who loves you, loves you with your dirt

African Proverb

Love, Paula

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