Right now I am pretty much broke. However, I am fed, sheltered and loved and its good. I am however with glee looking forward to making my life more difficult.
You just know when it’s right.
So I’ve looked at couple of places, all small. One in particular last night is so charming, small as small, but I can work with that. Enough room for me and the furrball to move around in at the same time, enough room for some of my stuff, and the all important backyard for the aforementioned furrball. Now we apply and wait.
As the “prospective” landlords daughter was asking me questions about where I’ve lived, when I’ve lived there…I’m going into a brief version of my background over the last decade or so…and it comes to the cottage, and man didn’t the ol’lips start to quiver, and good god if the rotten tears didn’t start. I mean, really now, right there in front of her? The woman was sweet though, and we laughed about it in the car…the “we” being my guardian angel. She said she could see me trying to hold it back…to no avail.
She is an old family friend, and we lost touch with her after Mom died. She grew up with Mom, her and our family we’re very close at one point. She knew my Grandma, and it was her who told me about the conversations’ Grandma and her Mom would have about Feminism, about Grandpa and his quiet nature…she has lots and lots of stories. Ms L (as she shall be christened), misses Mom like we do. There is a spot that will just always hurt. She died too young. Cancer stole her so quickly, and it shocked people, it still hurts.
So afterwards on our way back to Dodge … (over our Tim Horton’s Coffee, of course) … and didn’t the water works start again. Yet this time, it was in gratitude. She has been there, no fuss, everytime I’ve asked her. I’ll never be able to thank her properly. How do you thank someone who comes back into your life JUST when you needed them? This last four months would have been alot more difficult without her. She’s picked me up and dropped me off for job interviews, to see apartments, and so much more, soo soo much more. She has encouraged me in my writing, and been like a Mom for me. Like the Mom I don’t have in my life any longer. She knows though, she lost her Mom when she was much younger than I was…and she just understands.
If you ask me right now what I believe in? Do I believe in God? or the Divine? I will say that I do believe in a sentient Universe, and that I may not have the words to properly describe this essence, yet, I still know that it exists. And I know if I don’t start going forward again, well, then it will just get more difficult. It does not get easier over night. It’s not like I haven’t faced great change, after a great sorrow, before. I am sort of an expert, one could say. I have what I need, my spirit has healed alittle, and it’s more than time to move on.
I keep saying “what is for me will not pass me by”. Like a mantra of late. If this little pad is meant to be, it will be. If not, it’s not meant for me.
If I am lucky and this place works out, I will live around the corner once again from my Grandfather’s stomping grounds of youth. Its’ changed since the late 1920’s when he was a young boy, yet it has not lost it’s charm. Living once again amongst the homes of my ancestors seems to be a theme.