A year ago today, I wrote this – One by One [published: Oct. 31, 2012] I had been blogging 5 days.
It was just me and Irish, alone at the Lake, in our little cottage. I was experiencing a profound grief. Tim’s death had been so much different than hers. So many different emotions, experiences, thoughts, and the circumstances. The grief was even different. Tim and I had spent so many days, weeks, months, and months, just us. We met October 3rd of 2008 and had been together, almost every day. I felt abandon; I still do, a little bit, truth be told.
Now, I re-read these words and everything is so different in my life. The sounds out the window, the trees, the scenery, even the machine I am writing on is different, as is, of course, the place where I am writing.
I recall at the time feeling disconnected, uncertain, frightened, sad, yet hopeful and still I had faith that it would all turn out ok. I just somehow knew. It was like Mom had enfolded me in her arms…and was saying…”there, there, it will be fine, you’ll see”. And it was because here I am today.
One by one I’ve told my tales, and day by day I’ve walked forward; as forward was the only direction I could go. Staying at the cottage was impossible, even living in Grey County still was undoable. I had to move on and just go where ever life led me next.
I didn’t know where this blog would go, or who I’d meet. I’m thankful to you early followers.
So on this All Hallows Eve, I tap, tap, tap away on this keyboard, and spin forth these bits and pieces of my soul. Some good, some not, but all formed out of those early days of loneliness and grief. The Temenos Journal is today a product of my experiences over the years, and it has been here I have shared and dared to understand them.
I have journeyed out of the land of death, towards life. Tightened my laces, and gathered together that which is most precious to me, and carried on. I’m changed, though. Gradually I have put together the pieces since Mom’s death, 12 years ago. I’ve stapled on some new understandings, glued to my soul the lessons I learned with Tim and moved forward. Past my separation and divorce with my ex, past the death of Mom, then the death of hope. Gradually with Tim I threw away some of the cumbersome load I had been hauling around in my gunny-sac…and gone forth, one foot in front of the others, off in the only direction I could.
So another October is almost over, and I made it through. WHEW…this was a tough one. Till next year, October cheers to you.