Today I find out my fate – at 1:04pm I find out what shift I’m going to be working for the foreseeable future. Let me say, the anxiety is horrid. My stomach is in knots, I had a horrible sleep last night, and I’m fighting a sinus infection to boot. Of course, to make it as inconvenient as possible, they scheduled it for the exact time I would actually be on the bus going to work – so, of course now I have to go in earlier for fear of missing my time to make my shift bid. That doesn’t surprise me one bit… if its inconvenient, by god that’s exactly the way it must be done at this place.
Lately I’ve felt like a hamster on a wheel, completely at the mercy of the powers that be. I’m not at all where I want to be, and I feel like the last few years of my life has been this giant labyrinth, and I’ve time after time taken the wrong turn again and again.
Here I find myself where I want to be in a physical sense (in my hometown), but professionally not at all where I want to be. Disliking ones job within a city with hardly any opportunity is a demoralizing feeling. Regardless though, I’m going to change things, come hell or high water, by god I’m going to change things.
Six months from now, I want to be doing something more inline with my skills. I’ve had enough of “good enough”, and it’s now time for me to use some of what I have to offer. There has to be an employer out there that will see my vast experience and want to make me part of their establishment.
To be honest, the last few days I have been so incredibly depressed. So down, feeling completely isolated, and with hardly anything really to look forward to (other than spring). Good grief, what a horrible feeling. I always try to see the good part of things and strive to make the best with what I’ve been given. Lately though, that has become more and more difficult, as making the best of it would require some hard-core fantasy.
I feel like this job is stripped me of joy. Working till 9pm was good, and gave me a nice balance. Now …well, now I have no idea what will happen as my shift will be floating and I won’t have any guarantees. All the things I had planned have become impossible – from the historical society to joining the camera club. Activities where I could meet new people happen when I work, so I’ve been unable to meet anyone.
For instance, since December 7th I’ve been to out to the pub exactly twice. Alcohol just doesn’t do it for me – cheap, brief thrill, followed by a long slippery slope is just not appealing.
The brief glimmer I have is that my day off now will change, so maybe, just maybe, I can attend some of these activities I’ve been unable to go to. I cling to that hope. I desperately need to meet people.
Grief just can sap you of energy. Being lonely and isolated, working at a job I don’t care for, is not a healthy place to be. I spend so much time in tears lately, clutching the photo of Tim, missing him more now than ever. Clutching only memories now because I have so little else to hold onto. Which is also not healthy. I want to swear and curse and scream “STOP”. The pain of loss is so much more acute when there is so little in your life to distract you.
Some days it feels like every decision I’ve made the last, oh, 25 years has been a deadend. At the time believing it was the right direction – like Library School, marriage, Mississauga – only to turn out to be a complete bust. Finally, in 2009 when I met Tim I’d had enough, and so he lured me away to his heart home at the Lake, and for those four square years I had an opportunity to get off the hamster wheel, and tell the god of the labyrinth to go mess with someone else. Now I feel like again I’m being punished for that audacity.
Know this though, I’m stronger, and I have more heart and soul then ever now from those years, and I will NOT let the powers of this labyrinth of my life beat me down. As low as I feel, and as uncertain and blind to the future as I am, I will fight my way out of this sorrow and disappointment and I will find a way to turn it in my favour.
Writing this today was a good thing. I’m hesitant to let out these streams of emotional content, but it drowns my souls voice if I don’t at some point let the gates open. I’m at the point now where I do so little of the things I love, that my poor soul is crying from the loss.
I’ve ignored the Historical society you know – members have contacted me, but it breaks my heart to not be able to participate. I so loved it, but I feel like this job has just robbed me of so much, and that has to stop. Piece by piece, day by day, month by month, I’ve allowed it to steal away every bit of hope and joy I had. Now the only writing I do is here…and blessed be the day I discovered WordPress.
So, wish me luck today – I’ll need it.