My Life On The Hamster Wheel

Today I find out my fate – at 1:04pm I find out what shift I’m going to be working for the foreseeable future. Let me say, the anxiety is horrid. My stomach is in knots, I had a horrible sleep last night, and I’m fighting a sinus infection to boot. Of course, to make it as inconvenient as possible, they scheduled it for the exact time I would actually be on the bus going to work – so, of course now I have to go in earlier for fear of missing my time to make my shift bid. That doesn’t surprise me one bit… if its inconvenient, by god that’s exactly the way it must be done at this place.

Lately I’ve felt like a hamster on a wheel, completely at the mercy of the powers that be. I’m not at all where I want to be, and I feel like the last few years of my life has been this giant labyrinth, and I’ve time after time taken the wrong turn again and again.

Here I find myself where I want to be in a physical sense (in my hometown), but professionally not at all where I want to be. Disliking ones job within a city with hardly any opportunity is a demoralizing feeling. Regardless though, I’m going to change things, come hell or high water, by god I’m going to change things.

Six months from now, I want to be doing something more inline with my skills. I’ve had enough of “good enough”, and it’s now time for me to use some of what I have to offer. There has to be an employer out there that will see my vast experience and want to make me part of their establishment.

To be honest, the last few days I have been so incredibly depressed. So down, feeling completely isolated, and with hardly anything really to look forward to (other than spring). Good grief, what a horrible feeling. I always try to see the good part of things and strive to make the best with what I’ve been given. Lately though, that has become more and more difficult, as making the best of it would require some hard-core fantasy.

I feel like this job is stripped me of joy. Working till 9pm was good, and gave me a nice balance. Now …well, now I have no idea what will happen as my shift will be floating and I won’t have any guarantees. All the things I had planned have become impossible – from the historical society to joining the camera club.  Activities where I could meet new people happen when I work, so I’ve been unable to meet anyone.

For instance, since December 7th I’ve been to out to the pub exactly twice. Alcohol just doesn’t do it for me – cheap, brief thrill, followed by a long slippery slope is just not appealing.

The brief glimmer I have is that my day off now will change, so maybe, just maybe, I can attend some of these activities I’ve been unable to go to. I cling to that hope. I desperately need to meet people.

Grief just can sap you of energy. Being lonely and isolated, working at a job I don’t care for, is not a healthy place to be. I spend so much time in tears lately, clutching the photo of Tim, missing him more now than ever. Clutching only memories now because I have so little else to hold onto. Which is also not healthy. I want to swear and curse and scream “STOP”. The pain of loss is so much more acute when there is so little in your life to distract you.

Some days it feels like every decision I’ve made the last, oh, 25 years has been a deadend. At the time believing it was the right direction – like Library School, marriage, Mississauga – only to turn out to be a complete bust. Finally, in 2009 when I met Tim I’d had enough, and so he lured me away to his heart home at the Lake, and for those four square years I had an opportunity to get off the hamster wheel, and tell the god of the labyrinth to go mess with someone else. Now I feel like again I’m being punished for that audacity.

Know this though, I’m stronger, and I have more heart and soul then ever now from those years, and I will NOT let the powers of this labyrinth of my life beat me down. As low as I feel, and as uncertain and blind to the future as I am, I will fight my way out of this sorrow and disappointment and I will find a way to turn it in my favour.

Writing this today was a good thing. I’m hesitant to let out these streams of emotional content, but it drowns my souls voice if I don’t at some point let the gates open. I’m at the point now where I do so little of the things I love, that my poor soul is crying from the loss.

I’ve ignored the Historical society you know – members have contacted me, but it breaks my heart to not be able to participate. I so loved it, but I feel like this job has just robbed me of so much, and that has to stop. Piece by piece, day by day, month by month, I’ve allowed it to steal away every bit of hope and joy I had. Now the only writing I do is here…and blessed be the day I discovered WordPress.

So, wish me luck today – I’ll need it.

Advertisements

5 thoughts on “My Life On The Hamster Wheel

  1. Good luck! The images you’ve painted through your words illustrate my current world in more ways than you could ever know! I hate to see someone else struggling in a similar way, but glad to know I’m not alone!

    Like

  2. Wishing you all the luck you have asked for, Paula …. and much more. The labyrinth would really be a helpful circle in which to be wandering.. historians aren’t really sure but surmise that the walk into the centre, the chance to reflect while within, and the walk back to reality are behind the labyrinth designs. A maze on the other hand leads to frustration, confusion, disappointment, and perhaps “wrong learning” as the rewards are offered at certain junction points. Methinks you’ve actually been wandering in a maze for a few years, with all of its negative experiences. But now it seems you’re on a labyrinthian type of circuit with your writing and reflecting in the centre of the labyrinth.

    Like

    • You are most definitely right…a maze it was. Dead-ends, lost within seemingly endless passages to no where ;-\. Even though I guess I can’t see any farther ahead now… atleast now the path is a singular way. And seeing that eagle yesterday and the cardinal this morning has definitely tuned me into that sense of spiritual awakening, balance and following ones heart. I’ve asked the question… now its but a matter of absorbing and recognizing, and yes…reflecting on the answers.

      Like

  3. Hey Paula, I haven’t been here in a while, I think since you started the job and were all excited about it and the new apartment. I remember urging you to learn how to drive. 🙂 Sorry to hear the job isn’t all that. I totally relate (as usual), especially to the hamster wheel analogy. Every day I go into work, I have to dissuade myself from leaving at lunch and not returning – or walking into my boss’ office and quitting. It’s not a bad job, and they’re not bad people, but I can’t stand it anymore. The monotony, the lack of creative freedom, the corporate bullshit. Seems as if life is no longer passing by – it’s hurtling by like a speeding train. Ugh. I could go on but I won’t. Really hope you get some good news today. Stay strong, and like others have said, you are definitely not alone!! Xoxo

    Like

    • Hey stranger 🙂 I know that feeling…of just wanting to pack it in and go fish. Geesh… yet, somewhere along this winding path is the way forward. Just a matter I suppose of zening out all the BS. Tough though when there is so much inside bursting to get out…and having to waste days upon days (it feels like sometimes) on stuff that’s only goal is to beat you down. And thank you…it is good to be reminded I’m not alone. Ommmmm

      Like

Comments, Critiques, or Otherwise

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s