Well, this probably should not come as a surprise, I won’t go into the details, but Mr.Blue.Eyes bakes. He actually made goodies for Christmas Eve, which he spent with his nephew and his grown kids.

He is not at all what he appears to be. Not even close. He really is a multi-layered entity, and he intrigues me… today even more. This morn as I was gathering my coat and boots, I saw the remnants…flour and such, all still out on the counter.

But, as old Neil Young says…a man needs a maid…which he mentioned last night, and I concur. However, I replied that I am not so inclined to cleaning either – although – I was recently asked “how do you keep your bathroom so clean“? Which kind of shocked me…but then I had a look around, and aside from the damn blond dust bunnies that float about the wooden floors, I have become rather more tidy than ever before.

Tim’s influence I believe. He was a fuss-budget, and everything around Tim had to be all clean and organized, or he got all bitchy. He was known to leave his friend’s place cleaner then when he came… so I guess he wore off on me.

That said, I want Mr.Blue.Eyes to think otherwise…I am no ones maid…by a long shot. I am a caretaker sort, but not a maid…more like a soul keeper, or spirit cleanser, perhaps the wilde childe at heart, but not ever a servant to anyone but the faith in the spirits of white-light and goodness…or God, or Gods…or however you may think of that great spirit I know to exist.

I swear yesterday I felt like I was going to hyperventilate, I was so keyed up. So out of sorts, and tied up in knots from his call the night before.

So I broke down, and I text him “You know it’s a lot easier to ignore you when you’re an asshole“.

He says: ITS GOOD BEING OUR SELF’S…MERRY CHRISTMAS.

All in caps, otherwise I guess he can’t read what he just wrote. Which is rather amusing, since he’s actually somewhat soft-spoken and quiet, yet not introverted…more of an introverted-extrovert…actually.

Whenever I’m there the lost and lonely show up at his door, and at all hours. He is the go-to guy to his friends. One of which showed up last night around 10 or 11pm…absolutely inebriated, and making little sense that I could ascertain. I guess he’d been at it for a day and a half. Christmas does strange things to people. It sets off fireworks for the emotionally wounded.

All this guy said that made sense was the 500 million times he said Mr.Blue.Eyes name, and how much he loved him. Took him 3 beers,.. and a few smokes to be rid of him. The guy says at one point, “Man, this is the most classy I’ve ever been kicked outa a joint…your awesome, man“.

I’ve just now realized he is this piped-piper sort to this group of lost boys…he is their…leader I guess is the only word to describe this affection I’ve witnessed over the last couple months. He is admired, and has this broad acceptance of others that is very rare. He has often made me feel harsh or crass in my judgement of another…me!! And I thought I was the epitome of open-minded.

So over the course of about an hour last night, we texted back and forth, and he said…I’M HOME ALONE TOO. And there you go…the rest is history now. We barely spoke at all about the last month. He had no words for me, but his actions… the gentle nudge, the resting of head, the angle, the touch…all told me what words could not.

I left early, and didn’t overstay, as I get edgy in the morning and can’t just lounge around in bed…it makes me anxious being in bed past 7am. And I wanted to leave him wanting more…so off I sauntered back down the 3 or 4 blocks through the sleeping early morning village this boxing day.

Who knows what lies ahead now Mom. I like this one though, and he has qualities I admire. The person I met in the summer is not the man I left lying in bed a few hours ago. He works today, of course, as he works almost every day…he even worked a couple of hours Christmas day. Framing houses doesn’t stop for holidays, you must get the work done while the weather is good, as it’s a bitch to work on slippery wooden joists several feet in the air, snow driving you in the face.

I also had to leave cause I kept having hot flashes, and they wouldn’t stop, and I desperately needed some air. Call it what you want, but I needed that walk through the early morning village streets, that fresh air and silence was required. The damn things seem to ramp up whenever I’m with him…to which he said maybe my hot flashes are caused from something else…and then looked up at me with this goofy smile and sparkle in his blue eyes…as I sat on the edge of the bed planning my escape.

We spoke very little, I could fit all his words onto one sheet of paper. He let me do all the talking, so I forced my lips closed for fear of what I might say…I desired that silence…as words are not enough. Words are too easily said and not actually felt. I did tell him that hot flashes bring on mood swings as well…and he says “oh really? I think I’m familiar”.

You know, one can want something to be true, thinking that saying it might make it true…but it doesn’t make it anything but the bunk it is.

So Mom, I’m not sure where this is going, but I think I found out what his heart desires, and that is a step in the right direction. Wish me luck today on my walk, hopefully I won’t walk into any trees or telephone poles.

Always,

Paula