It wasn’t that long ago I could barely browse through those photos from my days in Grey. Like getting lost in some gigantic labyrinth, once on the otherside you can’t help but be changed.
I experienced the layer of loss death provides, and its hard not to acknowledge the lessons inherent in death, and dying. Not our own, so much as our experiences as we move through the grief of a loved ones dying, and than death.
That friend of mine, the one I call Crossroads Man, well his younger brother was diagnosised with MS about a decade ago. He’s had a couple trendy special procedures done, but it has returned in full force. This brother has not conducted himself well, financially, apparently. Thus, when the disease is at its worse, all that wealth he had accumulated will be gone, POOF. He may very well not be in any position to choose a venue in a fashion for which he’s been accustom. Yet, we must accept the choices we’ve made, for good or ill, they can’t be changed now.
And CM is feeling down, and wallowing in that narcissistic pool, as we all do, of woe is me, and why can’t it be me‘s.
It was that night I realized you know Mom, that these deaths are not for nothing. After each that I have experienced, I’ve come away changed. After Grandma’s, than yours, and now Tim’s, I am very different from before. And there is no going back.
CM is not immune to deaths effect, as he has experienced that grief, time and time again, he admits. Yet somehow, maybe, he’s never allowed himself to accept the lessons? And so I said that to him.
Truly though, what lessons do we take with us after a death? Or, to the point, are there lessons at all?
There is always some reaction inherent in being alive, therefore death must have a resounding effect, no? As per Newton’s 3rd law, for every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction.
Yes, I know Mom, this isn’t new.
Maybe more of a reminder really. Or, perhaps I’m just now absorbing what it means to grieve, and what changes that process inevitably has. Maybe we are supposed to grieve, as this strengthens us, provides us with new knowledge, and hardens our hearts a little. In the end, who we become is who will weather the storms ahead. We learn to make different choices, and eventually learn to truly, and honorably value our life, and how we finally choose to live it, changes.
I guess that through grief we may choose to experience our own happiness, and at a higher pitch than before. We appreciate those moments more of joy. We capture them, and store them in our gunny sacs, to take with us on our journey.
That time of grief gives us a chance to look through all the other griefs, and see what remnants remain. We may than remove all the random bits, and losses that have now lost significance, can be taken out.
Mom, you know, for almost two decades you were the walking wounded. If we’re honest, you never got over Grandma’s death. You grieved till the end. That I can not do, because I have learned what death teaches us about living.