I’ve avoided that Theatre guy I mentioned. Remember, the one who wanted to take me to that New Arts Theatre here in town? He seems like a good guy. And I do feel bad. I do. Really. I just can’t bring myself to have the little chat… the one on my complete disinterest in having a boyfriend now. A boy who is a friend, ok. Otherwise, nope.

I think he is leaning towards the OTHERWISE. I received a text last week, just after work, the day before my day off, that, well, had “I wanna be your boyfriend” written all over it.

So I gnashed my teeth and lied.

Well anyways, other than THAT. In other news, been replaying the events of last Friday. Good events. Girlfriend texted “I have a couple of beer, are you home?” So I quickly cleaned around the toilet, rinsed off around the sink, and there she was. I don’t have a lot of friends, yet. And I don’t often get to hang out with other women.

Just really Crossroads, who of course is male, and a friend. And the women I work with. But not hang out with. It’s rare.

And there I was the next morning, walking home with my coffee. Ahem. From…

Well we did go out to my pub. Listened to the two piece band, had a couple pints. Laughed, talked, and about important stuff too. Towards close, this guy sits down beside us. And she is just talking this guy up, I was very impressed. So we exchanged seats, leaving me right on the end closest to where the servers go. No chance of being approached, or so I thought.

And WHAT’s wrong with that, Mom? Nothing. I don’t want a boyfriend, I’m not a nun. Anyways, he was too cute to pass up. And insistent. And 15 years younger.

AND I’m thinking about what it was I liked the best. And why I still smile when I think of that night. His apartment. His way, his confidence. Clean cut, and some sort of financial advisor (or something). Complete swerve off the usual suspects I attract. Well, all that, I keep going over. No details. You don’t need details.

BUT… it was good, and safe, and very refreshing.

Not once did either of us even breathe the word phone, or any mention of an exchange of contacts. There were no lies. No preamble of anything going anywhere. Just two adults having a little fun. And I did. And it was.

And it still makes me smile.

Now, I have no desire for a repeat performance. No compulsion to do it again anytime soon. But it did teach me a valuable lesson; sometimes I just want what I want. Simple. Straightforward. But not always. Sometimes I am quite fine without.

And I really enjoyed his cock-sure, I know what I want, self-assurance. Yet, not overpowering, or diminishing in any way. Very refreshing.

And that is also rather fun. Mysterious. Where in the heck did he come from?

This intimacy, the late night conversation, listening to different music, exchanging ideas, if not numbers. And I came away this time with something other than shame.

Again, I have no desire for a repeat performance. BUT…good to know. It was the quality I loved about Tim. His sureness. His direct and simple approach to EVERYTHING. He wanted what he wanted.

And so do I. Just not necessarily about sex. Other stuff.

Cause, Mom, that is one thing I realize I have no idea about. What I like. Who I like. Why I like, them, in particular. I was not raised to reach out for what I want. This is new territory. And I don’t even know what I like, little lone WANT.

But I need my solitude. I want to be on my own. With no interference. For now.

I guess maybe I do know what I want.

And I wanted to take these two days off, sans all outside influences that may turn me from my course, and indulge in that which makes me happy. Do what I want, when I want. How. Spend time with Irish. Hang out, alone.

I had all these justifications on why I just didn’t want to have to talk to that theatre guy, but I’d sound like a babbling idiot trying to explain. For so many reasons I felt irritated. Why cant the friend guys know they’re friend guys? Why do we have to keep an eye out, making sure they’re not in secret ogling mode? Annoying. Because, of course, there is no friendship if they’re in ogling mode.

Have come to just sometimes feel like just hiding out here, at home. Seeing no one. Being secretive, and protective of it. But no apologizing. No more.

So with the morning dew still on the grass, off Irish and I went, to the abandoned Apple Orchard. I took a listen, and hearing not one soul, I unhooked her lead and said in her ear in a quiet, but firm tone “be good”… and off she trotted a ways up the path.

My heart swelled with pride, to see her look back every now and again. And every time I called she acknowledged me. Even found her waiting on the path up ahead when I’d stopped to photograph some dazzling something. That’s my girl. So I gave her space, let her do her thing, as I did mine.

She trotted ahead of me the whole way. She with her off-path pursuits, and I with mine.

She is finally, finally listening, and sticking close. She was such a good girl.

It made me smile.

So after, I went over to the grocery, bought more lentils and sugar snap peas…and sauteed me up some deliciousness for lunch.

A new recipe I found, that uses Sesame Oil and seeds. Lentils are cheap.

Mom, I like lentils. Heck, I LOVE lentils. Like, wish I’d known how much I LOVE lentils before. So I’m making this Lentil Chilli I found in that Crazy Plates recipe book I have. Lunch for this week. Or, er, whatever you call that meal half way thru a shift that starts at 6 or 5 am.

It was a good day. I’m glad I ignored theatre guy. I just gotta learn to send out that I’m a friendly, but not THAT friendly. You know, deal with this shite head on. I’m a newbie at this whole not caring what other people think thang. Too wrapped up in pleasing everyone before, and not enough pleasing me.

No apologies.

Love,