I wrote this to you the other day, Mom, but never posted it. But here it is…
I should go back and explain a couple things. You know we were never close in school. We were friends, peripherally. But, and this is hazy, there was something else between us.
Out of all the guys from BealArt, why does he always stand out? Why have I wondered where he was? What was he up to? There was always something about him that stood out in my mind.
I remember walking together, strolling the bright and vivacious exotica all around us at the old Pier One downtown one afternoon.
The two of us, he in his long dark wool London Fog coat, Klein shirt and undies (I asked), before Calvin was cool. Designer duds from head to toe, all ratty and well worn.
But I was me, and he was him, and each of us, I now realize, a little scared of the other. I was this shy country girl, and he was this bold city boy. We were barely 20 years old.
That’s a memory that stands out.
The other is the one night I “did it and quit it” with him (his lingo), one night after being down at The Wick. He says we were still in school, I say no. I’m not sure what year…late 80’s.
He said to me a couple weeks ago you know I wanted to “stick wit it”? I liked you. I thought about you for months afterward, wondering why you hadn’t called me. Wished I had your number.
I didn’t know.
Primarily because back then I would not have believed a word of it. He was the BealArt resident slut and rather blatant with his conquests, and I had little desire to just be a foot mat for him. SO maybe all I was is the one that got away, the one who used him, rather than the usual game plan.
BUT that was then, and all these years later I don’t know what should happen next. What I want to happen next.
Read lately something interesting, that emphatic people, such as I, often attract narcissistic individuals. Guess they can just sniff out our smell of caring, giving, accepting natures and use it to their own advantage.
Whatever that may be.
Empathy, compassion, and love without condition, are the things he says he loves, yet the ups and downs, and medical secrets he keeps, insomnia, the drinking, the dying.
It weighs on me.
He keeps saying “I am the only one who knows everything”, randomly interjecting with it, never knowing what he is trying to say to me. Some cards he keeps so close, I can barely even sense the secret. But that empathic nature of mine can sniff out the presence of them, and all the aspects of himself he would otherwise not share.
Yet, in this relationship I have often failed to hold up the facade of constant strength, he seems to desire. Who on earth, I ask you, who is so perfect? Moron.
You know Mom, we really never could have been lovers. All these two months, we have never been completely intimate. Only brushing up against the thigh of it, but barely a brush and his heart had other purposes for his blood, so we never tried again.
I would call us intimate friends, today, intimate frienemies.
I will not be distracted from my goals, my happiness, and I will move over, around, or through anything that may get in the way of either.
That’s what annoys me the most, he wears this facade himself of stoic perfection, perched on his lofty bar stool of choice, whiling away the lonely hours, pint in hand, talking to the same people, about the same people, and in his own words “bored stiff with it all”.
So do something, I said, but he hasn’t.
I am not the lonely broken drunk, dying of a broken heart, he is. He keeps mixing that up, and somehow reflecting all his complaints of himself onto me. I keep pointing it out to him.
Anywho, my mission of late is purely selfishly driven, and if you are not for me, you are against me. I have no use for toxic individuals. I can be just as ruthless as he when I feel I have been betrayed. And you know me, Mom, don’t cross me when I’ve been either hurt or betrayed, cause I will have no mercy with what words I choose to sting them with.
However, the best revenge is a life well-lived, and so, with part of my work bonus I bought an entry-level DSLR Nikon, finally, just this morning before 6am.
SO this winter, the days will be whiled away getting to know my new camera, and finally getting something I’ve wanted for so long, but every time I had a little extra, WHOOSH, it would be gone, somehow, someway. So this morning before anything had a chance to happen, I went online and did a little more research, and found this gem that suits my minimal budget on sale for Black Friday, and a little is going towards a Mountain Bike for winter, for which I commissioned Crossroads onto the task this morn, and the rest is going to Christmas.
I am blessed.
That shot in the featured image I used, it was taken at sunrise, while I was on break last Friday, before all the mayhem that day would bring.
It was beautiful, and I watched it rise over the horizon. I look forward to more of those this winter. And I can’t wait to bundle up and head out on my new bike some crisp winter morning. I am determined to live this life, and get out there and appreciate all the beautiful things around me, and perhaps capture a few with my new camera.
Life is beautiful.