Endings, Choices, And What Happens After

“Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance, you must keep moving.”

Albert Einstein

Endings, beginnings, death and life, these cyclic events define so much, show so much, expose so much, and are rife with emotions.

Let’s start with the endings.

The first ending felt like abandonment, and took me, all of us really, it took over a decade to get past, to not well up inside with grief. Grandma was the rock, the foundation, the matriarch, she was unique and special, and we were as lost kittens without her.

The next blindsided me, with the ending of my marriage. First, I became lost in helium spheres, and was reborn afterwards as the lady of the cellar.

And then a year later the next ending rocked my world completely off its axis, with the death of mom.

Another death, over a decade later.

And the last with the adieu to my lady of the lake this last November.

Maybe that’s why other kinds of endings sometimes don’t feel as harsh, not as final, not as scary. Call it my forte, my super power, my gift.

A power to confidently walk without hesitation now towards the painful stuff, the hard stuff, and knowing in my heart of hearts the dawn is on the horizon… first must navigate that darkest night, the parts that stings, the sadness that endings bring.

So by the end of February the job I’ve had for the last 4 and a half years is ending, and no I don’t know what I’m doing after.

I have options, I have a ‘buy out’ to fall back on for maybe a couple of months if I’m careful. Afterwards I can fall back on EI benefits, but I’m not certain yet what happens next next.

The strange thing is, I wasn’t angry when I found out, nor scared, not worried.

Nope.

Was too blawdy sick with some plague, snot running like a tap from my nose, coughing so bad I wrenched my back, and too tired in wallowing already to have any energy to hold a pity party.

I’ve been here before, an ending, and I’m in a good place mentally. I know the drill: watch, listen, polish up the resume, the LinkedIn profile, put my ear to the ground, and decide what my options are, and what I want to do, what opportunities are there, what doors are open.

It felt weird leaving today, tomorrow being the last day we’re open to the public, then a couple of weeks of cleanup, and that’s an end of it. We will all go our separate ways, many I probably will never see again.

Yes, endings are hard.

“Attitude is a little thing that makes a big difference.”

Winston S. Churchill

The memories from this experience I will carry with me, the people I worked with were amazing, and I will miss the rock solid team, the person I became, the challenges it gave me.

This time though is much much different, different from the disti job, or the Call Centre, cause this time I know what I have learned has value, and I am proud of my work, of the whole experience, it is just now time to move on… nothing more and nothing less.

That reaction though really surprised me. I didn’t necessarily see this coming, but in a way I didn’t find it unwelcome, or completely surprising. The only real surprise is, actually, was my reaction. Not worried, or anxious…or angry… just kinda “oh, ok”. It does not feel the same at all. Maybe I am not the same at all?

But, you know, when everything feels a bit unmoored, I’m your gal. I’m the calm within that ocean of chaos, I guess I just have this ability to remain at ease.

I mean, I lose my shite, I just get it out of the way first off, or save all that mess for later, if at all.

I’ve learned that being filled with worry or anger will only prevent me from moving forward, and actually taking advantage of whatever opportunities come my way.

I know it may sound a tad cold, but being all woe is I for too long… it can blind you to the doors that endings open.

puppy standing

Smiling more certainly helps, belly laughs and silliness… courtesy of the pup-o-liscious.

That cycle does exist, those endings, beginnings, endings, beginnings, for every ending brings the beginning of something else, something new, eventually.

It has happened again and again to me, that for every ending there has always been a new direction, idea, job, something of value to the journey, closer to the goal, but it does happen, has happened, but only when I remained open to it, let that light in, had faith in possibilities.

Yes, change is on the horizon, no way around it. Not sure what, where, how, or any of that stuff, but it is coming.

See, I was part of the first crew when our location opened, so I was there at the beginning, and seeing it through to the end brings a sense of completion. We were a test market, and though it was not on my bingo card this year, it was not an unwelcome change, it was time to move on, move forward.

To what? I’m not sure.

I am not hung up with anger, or resentment, or worry or any of that… because it taught me so much, being part of something new and full of ups and downs, challenges were a daily thing, and I am changed from the whole experience.

Everyone has a choice as to how to see things, how to process endings, or beginnings, and those raw emotions that they bring about. I can choose to wallow, to worry, or I can embrace the possibilities.

So, I can choose to embrace the experience, celebrate it all as a victory.

Pika peeking over my laptop

“The problem is not the problem. The problem is your attitude about the problem”

Captain Jack Sparrow

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