Chihuahua puppy running with crazy look in her eye

I'm A Zen Master Of Isolation, But That Line Between Sanity And Madness Can Be Kinda Thin Right Now

So, um, this morning sucked. Had almost a complete and utter breakdown. I mean, the morning till that point had been fine, talked to Lex for a while, she updated me on dad and MsB. All’s good. Well, good as can be expected.

I had set up this app on my phone to pay with, rather than using my actual bank card, so I didn’t have to touch the pay thingy. I mean, I’m way behind the 8 ball when it comes to this shite, so, I had meant to do it weeks ago.

Had been absolutely dreading going to the grocery store, but I had to, I needed smokes (ya ya, I know, but cutting down) and some other stuff to complete my meal plans for the next while, margarine, garlic, frozen veg (as per Lex nagging me). I had been going to buy a large pre-done smoothie, cause of my crappy teeth, but she suggested mashing mixed veg up with a potato masher.

You would be so PROUD of her mom, soooooooo proud. She’s kicking ass and taking names. Won’t go into it, but ya don’t have to worry bout her mom, she’s TOTALLY got this.

Anyway, got what I needed, went to the checkout and it declined. Strange, since I had that buyout money, so there was like no way that was right. I mean, I don’t go anywhere, haven’t used the card in days and days…real panic. Hands started shaking.

Go back home, log in to my bank… and it is fukin temporarily suspended. Wait on the 1-800 line was min 20 mins, so I had a massive breakdown right here in the kitchen. Blawdy feel like I’m taking my life into my hands everytime I go anywhere where there is people, so have been dreading going since yesterday. I mean, mom, I completely dissolved into screaming ugly tears.

Took everything I had to get my shit together. Breath. Breath. Breath.

Well, I guess it was strange activity, after on the phone for 40 minutes. The app thingy this morning set it off. Geesh.

The person I talked to was super wonderful, and actually put me thru to the french queue to security, since the wait was 10 minutes less.

I used to do that for my customers, back in the day when I worked in customer service.

[Shhh… but…French reps speak English (actually often multi-lingual), and the calls are routed usually to Montreal, so you’re almost always speaking to a fellow Canadian. ]

So, yeah, lex and I are both scared… but not panicked. We talked about that, how hard it is sometimes not to give into that sense of terror that creeps inside, pushing it back, usually through being informed. It does no good to let it engulf you… but it becomes harder and harder as the days go by.

I have to say, that was my first real complete breakdown, after so many days of this…so, that’s good, I guess.

Just watching what is happening in the States, I have to say mom, right now I’m glad that dad was an immature arsehold drunk and you grabbed me and moved back here to Canada all those years ago.

Like, Hallelujah, you have NO idea. It is a complete sh!tshow.

Just the incompetency alone, the whole nest of vipers and greedy sycophants feeding from the trough, GOP only talking about making sure they bail out their buddies, and of course the very poorest and desperate in America are ignored.

It is just sad, infuriating, shortsighted, and the whole place is just inches from exploding in new cases and deaths are mounting, hospitals are short on protection supplies cause, well, incompetence from on high. They are completely unprepared, and the administration has known about this thing since December.

It is an absolutely and complete mess down there, and this is JUST the beginning. Most experts are advising that these measures, of social distancing and isolation, all of it is going to be the new normal for some months to come.

The job loss is going to be staggering, and the U.S. is just not at all prepared for this onslaught.

Top down, from the president on through his administration, the Republican controlled Senate, they are gaslighting their people, and far more interested in making sure their corporate buddies get the cash, and fuk the mother of 6 in Texas who doesn’t eat so her children can. Who cares about the self-employed, the wait staff, the office workers, the millions of people who have lost their job this week is putting so many in dangerously precarious positions, and their federal government, and the pro-Trump state Governors are just evil incarnate and out for themselves.

Can hardly read my twitter feed anymore, without feeling more sadness. , Its just too painful to watch, to read, to see.

The cruelty, the hoarding and empty shelves, the scammers and the ineptitude of so many. It is sad, it is scary, it is horrible, some humans can be so incredibly ugly.

Oh, but, for every ugly one, I have to remind myself, there are 5 other people out there doing good.

Too easy to concentrate on all the ugly and selfish and greedy and evil, but they are loud and obnoxious. Easy to forget, that most people are good, that most people look out for one another.

Well, after the money debaucle, when I went back, it struck me how much there was in our little village grocery. Fresh fruit and vegetables, some holes in the frozen section, but lots there. Milk on the shelf, but no eggs. I mean, after seeing some stores in the U.S., I admit I was a little scared.

I’m lucky to be here in the village. Never felt so blessed.

Took Pika for two walks yesterday, out in the sun, fresh air, and everyone was social distancing, as we’d approach, both would go to our right a few feet, with that kind of sad like smile, but doing it for our sake as much as for others.

This thing mom, this virus, it is going to be with us for months and months, and this is our new normal. Grocery shopping, socializing, employment, all are scary, everything is tinged now with uncertainty.

I came home from my dangerous adventure to the grocery store, for instance, still wearing my gloves I’d worn in the store. After I got home, I put my gloves in the sink with my shirt, and striped off and had a shower, washed my hands thoroughly with soap, splashed my face. Afterwards I washed my gloves and my shirt, and hung them to dry.

I swear, felt like I’d walked into the halls of doom, covered in pestilence and disease.

Gargled with salt water, and set the kettle on for a pot tea.

Whew!

I mean, terrified to go to the grocery store??? Not like agoraphobia…but, actually, ya… it was completely FEAR OF THE MARKETPLACE…so, that really sucks.

But, I’m blessed, and very fortunate. I’m like a Zen Master at social distancing, since I’m a natural hermit, and love solitude, and am now completely satisfied on my own.

Through the day, I become aware of this fist of anxiety inside, and I have to stop, breath, take a sip of tea, but coping is hard. It is a struggle sometimes, you know? To find something you can hold on to .

Probably will need to use all sorts of grandma’s thrifty tips in the days ahead. You know, like saving stuff that has been gently used, like aluminum foil, plastic baggies, washing them in the sink.

Conservative with paper products, since there are none on any grocery shelves, like anywhere. I’ve got one roll I’ve had for a few days now. I mean some of it is stuff that I’ve always tried to do, but now it is vital to be less wasteful, as you just don’t know what the future will bring.

Real learning curve for some, as the days go by. We learn new coping skills, new patterns for our boring days inside, pacing, watching videos, but not able to concentrate at all, you find yourself often starring off, your mind a blank… stress creeps up your spine.

Find myself stretching it out, and need to add Yoga I think to my somewhat nonexistent daily routine.

Remember to add a few minutes of calming music, close my eyes, and try to meditate, even for 5 minutes, pushing it more every time.

And, look for the helpers, the shining lights of hope and wisdom and calm, like that guy I told you about, Beau of the Fifth Column. I mean, looks like your average southern redneck, beard and got the look. Though, he’s in Florida, and much as it does have the rep of having their fair share of nutbar rednecks, he is not what he seems. Good man, and a fount of information.

So, that’s it for now. Love you mom, and we’ll be fine. Write you as much as I can.

Love Paula

[ intro + the 1st letter ]

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