Originally my plan had been to have her fixed this fall with my bonus money. Well, no job, no bonus money, no fix. So, off into that growing pile, like all the rest of it, like my no good rotten horrible teeth. No idea how this will all work this year mom, my teeth, her, and all.

So lil Ms Pika-lou-lou started her first heat last Monday. Good thing we’re kind of self-isolated here in my little shady garden nook, and social distancing is a thing, so few come close.

Anywho, that first day went ok.

But, by evening she was all curled up here in front of me on her bed, and suddenly let out this weird squeal/yelp leaping underneath the Settee to her pee pad.

Then she started to pace back and forth, back and forth, from the pee pad, to me, to the settee, to the pee pad, to me, to the settee, out the door into the other room and back again, rinse and repeat for about 20 minutes.

She was just fit to be tied.

Upset I suppose cause she felt she had to go poo and afraid she was going to make a mess, and she didn’t want to make a mess and disappoint me, but she felt she had to go – and back and forth, back and forth she went. Or so I suppose that’s what was going on in her wee noggin.

Realized she was probably having… what Lex always refers to as poopy cramps. And yes, dogs get cramps (who knew?), and mood swings, like holy shite, mood swings.

See, I don’t generally give her trouble for what she does wrong, instead I praise her for what she does right, so this is all on her. Big girl now and doesn’t want to mess up? I think so.

So I scooped the wee little anxious wreck of a dog up, swaddled her in her blankie and rocked her against me for about a good 3/4 of an hour, until she settled, and I rested her on the chair beside me, and she was totally zonked.

And, proceeded to spend pretty much the whole rest of this week sleeping in her crate, interspersed with bouts of me forcing us outside to play some faux fetch with the ball, in the garden.

Faux fetch, cause she just can’t quite get the whole bringing it back part of the game.

Great little garden for this small one, just the right size.

So, plenty of space for doing doggy stuff, like lying in the dirt, hunting ants, watching squirrels taunt her, head cockeyed at the House Sparrow hopping by to the little watering hole I made for them with a clear glass Pyrex lid. Awe struck by the couple chipmunks scampering thru the garden, wide-eyed and alert, stunned, long after they had disappeared under the fence. Watching in awe as butterflies flit by, and rest in the shade of the Virginia Creeper.

Perfect spot to watch her play, sipping my herbal tea and chillaxing in the cool shade, sheltered from the sweltering hot rays.

Some past plans for this space have sprung to life this year – more zen, more filled with light and shadow, more peaceful, and it flows.

Seems to be a year for that. You know, maybe closer to certain goals, long dreamed of, though lost out on all the stuff we’d planned on doing – and not always in balance – thing’s we planned gone with the wind, better things not even on the radar at all just flow in to fill the gaps. I hope.

Change is scary, makes you anxious sometimes, and not always easy to keep our anxiety from bubbling up, hard to adjust. Loss of control is difficult. Loss of job, my teeth, all the things I had on the docket this year… gone.

One bit of wisdom I’ve acquired, is that the key to adapting is often perspective.

Learning the art of spinning our truths into something good for us, seeing the bright side, even great side, spin it around, see it differently, roll with it.

Or try. The current spin is still a work in progress. I’ll let ya know what I come up with. Though, we’re not even half done this roller coaster ride, so any spin now may need to be re-spun later.

You know, it really is about the detours, eh, mom? In the end, those detours always bring something new, fresh, a change in our perspective.

So, there’s that.

Like the time we got lost off the interstate in, I don’t know, was it Kentucky? Tennessee? On our way to Florida, took that wrong turn off, someone had to go pee I bet, and ended up in one of those places where you think ya might hear faint banjos off in the distance, rickety ramshackle store up ahead, gas pumps not seen since the 50s. So we stopped at the stop sign, turned around our old Fairmont station wagon, and you navigated dad back on the interstate.

Brought us together, no more fighting, perked up and seeing new stuff, great fun. Maybe not for you and dad, so much, but, you know, innocence.

Florida ain’t anywhere you’d wanna be now though, COVID has run rampant due to a weak incompetent Governor kissing Trump butt, completely negligent and callous, total disregard for human life. Sick.

Disney World opening up, tourists coming in from overseas, no quarantine, money, money, money… that’s all they see.

I guess the only way to cope, is to try to find the good, and not focus on the bad so much. Sometimes I know it has made me a bit Pollyanna rose-coloured glasses out to lunch, sure. From the outside.

Yet, in times like these, I think it is a real gift to be able to find that good stuff. Like seriously, it can be so easy to just sink into the anxiety, anger, fear that stuff pandemics I guess sort of inspire. So easy to give way to fear, the panic, it can be hard to cope, to see good… like see it anywhere… can be a mental stretch sometimes.

So many angry people, ignorant of the facts, scared of the truth, sucked into some great grifters web, lost in that anger these charlatans stoke, and they want to be led, but the leaders they chose are all grifters and crooks themselves, of one fashion or other.

And, I don’t think watching so much TV news helps… like, AT ALL.

I READ.

Occasionally watching mainstream media clips. For the most part, I get my news and information from reading.

I can’t handle the opinions, the pundits, I just want the facts, the stories of real people, I want to read the articles myself, from experts in the field, and then turn it off, enough.

I don’t have to know everything, just enough.

So, here I am, missing a raft of teeth, waiting still on word of surgery, but nada. I need new plans, I suppose.

Although, no clue what those are just yet.

I have done well though, overall. Garden looks beautiful this year, making new things to eat from scratch, drinking herbal and green tea now, and currently off coffee.

The no coffee thing is more about just realizing that I don’t really like it as much as I did, and I kind of prefer tea now. Who knew?

So, here I am with my green tea with ginger, enjoying my garden, eating better, thinking not too far ahead, trying to go with the flow.

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But, there ya go. Spend enough time with yourself, and actually enjoying it, and it is amazing what you learn.

Getting by, choosing more and more to just flow past news of down yonder, too maddening and sad, more GOP rallying up culture wars, conspiracy nutters, and the great orange corrupt one doing more corruption, but whatever.

Again, I don’t have to know everything, I don’t have to know everything.

And if you want, then start to laugh
If you must, then start to cry
Be yourself don’t hide
Just believe in destiny
Don’t care what people say
Just follow your own way

Enigma – Return to Innocence
{go watch it, I know ya wanna… probably haven’t heard it in ages}

So that’s where i am.

Love you mom,

paula