Ok, well finally broke down last week and took my arse to the clinic to rid myself of the cold that’s been haunting the halls of my employment, myself included. Yup, bacterial infection. Nice. Throat all red, chest phlegmy. Could hardly swallow one day early last week from the vile plague that has stuck with me for weeks now.
So, that’s finally over with, then the nice cold weather sets in. First snow, the real stuff that stays, just finished up about 5 hours ago. It snowed for almost 24…the nice poufy, fluffy white stuff. The sort that sticks, stays, hangs around awhile, if the weather keeps. So the minus eleven last night ensured that.
Then the witches of winter started howlin’ early this morning…oooooo they cry and wail.
Considering what awaits me now outside my door, I’m thankful I ventured forth to the coves last weekend; and you know how long its been since I was last back. Ages. I mean REALLY back. The last time I was there I lost my way, and couldn’t find the spot I wanted to be. Saturday I decided to start at the beginning, of the path, and there it was.
It is so lovely. The row on row upon that slope, as it heads to the cove below. Along that ridge we ventured, and Mom, I missed that place.
And so, I’m early up today, for no reason at all. Awoke at 4:17am, and thought “why not arise”. So I did.
I’m dancin’ around the real thoughts in my head though. The thoughts that scare me, the ones that won’t go away. Oh yes, Mom, of that Mr.Blue.Eyes. He came upon the walk, finally. I took him to my secret place, and by the house of old, upon the street I once dwelt. He knew the place, and even knew my neighbour, strangely.
We drank coffee in the morning, and together we made our meals, for a day. We danced to the same song, and for a time, we lounged in solitude and watched a show neither of us had seen before, and that was good too.
This week, as I make my way through the work-a-day, I think of him not at all. I wake up, read the morning news, and swig my Java, and nary a thought of loneliness enters my head. I cherish here, with the white fluffy drifts, inside and out, all alone, on my own, and it is good. I need him not to fill my head, or bed, or any of that. Want? Perhaps, but I don’t need that of him.
Neither of us do. His life is his own, and so tis mine. MY OWN.
Yet, on that morning ride to work, my thoughts drift and there he is again, like an image stamped upon my mind, and I am lost out the window, reflecting. I keep thinking, will it end tomorrow? Next week? In a year? I have no faith in longevity, at all any more. Trust and faith are shadows of their former selves, I now recognize.
But I have myself, and always have. To that end, I know upon whom I can depend. I find of late that my experience with loss, has been a lesson in finding that within that can sustain, even through the coldest, darkest days. I carry that within.
Those garage sale Angels Cards last night spoke of harmony, balance, cultivating, building, duality… and how to find inner peace. They spoke of my self-reliance, contentment, and self-contained ways. How I measure my words, and back away from hurting another with them. They spoke of telling more truths, and digging down farther inside to find them, and how to bring forth the thoughts that loam inside my head.
I learned that Jasmine and Roses call Angels, and to be more amongst the forest and the trees.
So, I guess I’m doing ok, wouldn’t ya say? Better than before, by far.
Must go, make my lunch, and wash my face, and get on with my day.
Love you Mom, miss you