Words Or Deeds?

Oh Mom, this guys’ had me all in knots all weekend, now its Monday morning and maybe I’ve recovered my senses.

Maybe it was some elaborate test I’d unconsciously devised? Well, regardless, I finally came to terms with the truth. After looking at the whole picture, the one thing I could not deny is that his actions and words were at odds with one another.

He actually said Saturday night in our annoying texting that he thought we had something. Well, and why then didn’t he want me Friday night when he knew he wasn’t going to be free all the rest of the weekend? And why didn’t he even tell me what he was doing? He told me he had “engagements” both Saturday and Sunday. Engagements? What the heck is that? I asked him, “family or friends”, his answer? “Both”. That’s it. Both? Well that’s blawdy illuminating.

Then Saturday night, why didn’t he just come over? Why wasn’t he knocking at my door, grabbing me in his arms, and kissing me, and apologizing for being such a jerk? Why?

When I actually added it all up the why is right there staring me in the face. The why was the reason I was angry to begin with. The why is why I’m even writing this today, and why I’m so angry, hurt and confused this morning.

The why is that he’s just emotionally unavailable and I was foolish to not realize. Oh sure, he liked me, but not enough. Not so much he couldn’t imagine not seeing me Friday night. Not enough that he was ready to emotionally commit to me. Not enough.

Now I feel like such a fool. I want to just rip down yesterdays’ letter and shove it down his throat. Wave it in his face and say SEE HERE? SEE THIS? THIS IS WHAT I THOUGHT, FELT…but he’s not worthy.

I told him I needed to talk to him yesterday…what did he txt back? I thought you made it all very clear how you felt? So I said he’d made me think…so he says “give me a couple of days”.

Then clarity dawned inside my muddled head. I suddenly understood…his actions spoke for him. He didn’t come over Saturday night, no, instead he went out to the local bar…you know, the one that’s almost across the street from my place? Yeah, that’s what he did. Rather then coming here to talk to me face to face, chicken shite drunk goes for a drink instead. When I woke up Sunday morning, I should have understood it all, but I couldn’t see it.

Wouldn’t. Refused to admit. I was right. I don’t always like to be right Mom. In these things I sorta like to be wrong, prayed I was wrong, but I was dead-on-rightio-correct-a-mundo bang on the head. He was never going to be anything more than who he was. And clearly this privacy seeking, emotionally unavailable man was not at all ready for the kind of relationship I want.

Sunday after our txting-bee the night before, I gave him till 7pm, as he gets home from work at around 6pm. Received no word from him at all. Which is when I texted we needed to talk…and then when he still didn’t deem me significant enough to give me at least just that, when I knew he wanted to let me stew in my own juices for two days while he mulls over what he wants…only then did I finally let the truth sink in. I had been right all along. Those words stuck in my throat were just leftovers from some fantasy I guess I dreamed up in my head.

Some would say I suffer from loneliness. I don’t though. This is not what this was about at all. He had something I found attractive, endearing, and he could be sweet and thoughtful. I let that sweet endearment muddle the whispered warnings inside my head. You know, the ones you realize were there only after it all goes to shite? Ya, you know the ones.

I sobbed off and on last night, and kept waking up and kept checking my phone. Not one peep. Maybe he’s finally realized what he’s done, maybe. Realizes he’s messed with a woman who he should have handled with more care. Perhaps he knows now he missed something – some look, some detail – and now he knows he has to finally just leave me alone before he does more damage then he already has. Perhaps now he has learned that he needs to be more careful with the things he cares for.

Mom, wish you were here.

Love Paula

2 thoughts on “Words Or Deeds?

  1. Oh Paula its break in my heart to read these saddened entries….after all u have gone through my dear you do deserve much more !! I wish i could make it easier or better for you….don’t settle for less than the best hunny xoxo


    1. Thanx Vik…guess ya just have to kiss a few frogs though :-) and test drive a few lemons…to find the one that’s just right .


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