Why I Made Mac and Cheese

If there is one thing I know, it is the many facets of grief. It hangs around in the shadows, and dampens our spirit – not letting it out is what feeds it. So I suppose that release of pent-up angst is what yesterday perhaps was about, my letting out of those shadows.

So yesterday, that last day of the days of nothing, walks, and Law and Order, well, I suppose somehow it has brought back some memories.

They’ve flooded in, and I could almost feel Tim’s presence. Couldn’t begin to explain, but subtly, like the air was different, my mood was different, and that bliss we sometimes achieved, well that sometimes is what I miss from those brief days and nights we spent by that grey land lake.

To put it simply, maybe I just miss Tim. I don’t feel sad though. Instead I feel this strange and anxious happiness, and I guess it seems that it is rarely lately that I have felt this way, and that has me missing him even more. I felt this immense essence inside me, this sense of joy, and the next moment I would find myself in tears. So my dishwater hands washed the streaks from my face, and I worked my way through the mound of dishes that have accumulated over the last few days.

Will be good to get back into my routine, such as they are with my shifting hours.

However, these days have done what I had hoped, as they have allowed me some time to wallow, time to incubate, and re-energize – the introverts triadic cure.

Even with all the emotional drama that my obsessions have wrought, I allowed that lost boy little time. I’ve come to terms, and what will be will be.

At mid-day, yesterday, I stood at the centre of this room and thanked those divine spirits of white-light and goodness for every single divine moment. throughout the day I found myself smiling randomly, even though just moments before there may have been tears, tis all the same.

What anger haunts our hearts, what unnecessary grief we cause ourselves, when we are not yet finished with our grieving.

So Mom I decided to make Mac n’Cheese from scratch, and topped it off just the way Tim loved it, crunchy and cheesy. It was his favourite dish, and if possible he would probably have had it everyday for his entire life, if he could have. So no short cuts, and it was absolutely delish…actually…the best I think I’ve ever made. My secret ingredient you could call my southern touch, I added bacon and bacon grease to the cheese mixture. Call it a heart-attack Mac.

Suppose though I will be in need of some hearty fare this week for my lunches. This December changes to the January of new beginnings, and frigid temperatures I fear are on their way. I still feel anxious you know Mom. Still on edge, like something this way cometh. Not in fear, but apprehension, a fear of the unknown perhaps. Anticipation creeps, and what it all may mean, yet, I do not know.

So tis not been a bad stretch of days. I accomplished all I had set out to, and I feel now cleansed of some dirt that had clung for too long.

Lets call this montage below from walks around town the best of the week, least in my not so humble opinion.

Always,

Paula

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