This & That

I stand there sometimes, you know, and just watch the world go by. I was just doing that now. Watching the cars go in and out of the parking lot next door. Its a bank, and being a Friday, must be payday for some, like me.

Was a good week, atleast almost. It began fine, and up until Wednesday night I would have probably chocked it down to a good week. But Wednesday night ol’Crossroads Man showed his true colours, and now we ain’t going steady anymore; or whatever the hell we were doing – it ain’t happenin’.

See, ol’Crossroads Man apparently has a thing against ‘my dog’. Yes, ol’Irish, wouldn’t hurt anyone, heart of gold Irish. Apparently he just doesn’t like dogs.

Which, if I’m honest, I sort of suspected, but I had chosen to ignore it. Thought he believed Irish was different, and he’d said so. I guess that was all part of the BS he used to charm me, asshole.

SO…we’re walking back to my place, from his place, which is just around the corner. Almost every night for the last month or so, Irish and I have wandered over there, had some dinner, and he’s walked back with me and spent the night. SO… that night we get half way and Irish gets sprayed by a skunk. Not a lot mind, but enough you could smell it. SO… what does my fine paramour do? Well he’s all “I am not staying over tonight”. I’m stunned. Well thanx asshole.

Well, and I don’t know all that was said, but in the end he’s like “this dog thing is not for me, this is over, sorry, but I’m done”. And that was that.

Well, not entirely. I stomped over there 3x looking for my phone and my tablet. Came in, slammed the door and couldn’t find either of them, anywhere. Shit shit shit. So over I went. Nothing. Came back, looked some more. Nada. And back I went, last time he was right pissed at me. Came back, well, on my hands and knees and there’s the damn bag they were in lying under the fucken settee…blended right into the shadows…damn it all to hell. Well, so then I figured I was fucked now anyhow, and I called him like 3x, and the last time told him that I hadn’t even saved him in my contacts on my phone yet…so I guess I was right. Which I hadn’t. I had just realized that earlier in the day.

What a jerk. Like who doesn’t like dogs? Who doesn’t like IRISH? Damn fool; which I told him a couple times…told him he was a damn fool.

Well, so that’s that. Well well well. How wrong was I? Now almost wish I had ditched Crossroads guy maybe now and sauntered over to tweedle dees and tweedle dumns last Saturday. Atleast it would have been amusing, and I could have been the one to close the door. I wanted to go over to Mr.Blue.Eyes, even if it wasn’t him that asked me over, but he was standing there looking at me with those blue eyes. But how could I? But you know I wanted to sooooo bad. I did. You know I did Mom. Damn damn damn.

I gotta learn some more about that ol’gut o’mine…I don’t believe it really wants me holed up here within my secret garden all the time, collecting dust and grey hair, withering away.

I don’t know. I’m just disappointed I suppose. I so kinda thought this guy was interesting…really. Mr.Blue.Eyes, and one or two better to boot, atleast I thought. But they’re just the same, or maybe crossroads guy is one or two back now, or maybe a grease spot back in the centre of the road. HA!!!

Yeah, so, just me and my dog now.

Visiting Crossroad Man'sBut what I really wished I’d got a chance to tell that stupid crossroads man, what I want to tell him, is how much to me that goddamn dog means. How if it had not been for her, these last two years would have been very lonely, and sad, and I don’t know if I would have made it.

And he throws away ME because of my dog? Really? Dogs are loyal and loving, men are fucken dicks with legs.

Grrrrr. So blawdy angry right now Mom. And who hates dogs? What kind of person? Evil, maybe dangerous, perhaps someone with something to hide? Can’t hide much from dogs. So, that’s the thing, I didn’t think Irish disliked him, but she didn’t like to stay there, and she kept nagging me to go outside, but I just thought she was bored. Maybe she didn’t like him, and good old heart of gold Irish just didn’t want to be impolite?

Well, ok maybe not. So maybe not evil or dangerous, but crossroads man is but a crossroads now I guess, and no more than that.

Wonder where the heck I’m going now. Maybe he was merely a diversion through hell, briefly.

Enough of that. But I do think there is maybe more to this. I did mention to him I thought one of his friends I met at that Buddhist bbq had some “sexual tension” happenin’. Maybe I triggered something with that. Maybe he has the hots for her and didn’t think she liked him.

Who knows, who cares.

So Mom, you being there on the other side and all, is it at all possible you could put my order in? You know I don’t ask for much, I don’t ask for things when I pray. Least not usually. But is it toooo much to ask for a man who likes dogs? Even loves them would be grand. He can have money, I do not mind at all. It would be splendid too if he had a license, as the last two had somehow, innocuously, and through carelessness, lost theirs. Yes, and tall please. Creative. Intelligent. And of course funny – and if he likes to dance, that would be splendid, hey Mom?

Dad never could dance you always said, but I’d like one please that can, but that’s not the be all and end all…as you well know.

The other thing that’s freaked me out, is I’ve gone part-time at work. Which means that I can now be more in control of when I work. I chose my availability to be Monday through Friday, 8am – 9pm. I can then pick up hours, or not, depending on the week.

Ultimately I want to start to bring in some cash doing creative work of some sort, so part of this is pushing me to get on with it already. Not like I haven’t talked about this forever, so I’m doing it. Figure Mom this is a good way to start, plus I need a fucken break. I’d rather be dirt fucken poor, I suppose. But I need to deal with some shite I think. Not sure what, not sure how. Probably a mix of things, but I’m pushing myself to make changes, giving me the space to accomplish them, and maybe get me outside in the public more. I need a life Mom, I really really do.

IMG_1905.JPGThis aloneness is not for me. I like my space, but I need friends, I need contacts in the outside world that I don’t work with, and who aren’t covered in golden fur and walk on four legs (and have a tad of a scent o’to skunk happin’ behind there lovely left ear, and I think it smells divine).

Always,

Paula

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