“But when fall comes, kicking summer out on its treacherous ass as it always does one day sometime after the midpoint of September, it stays awhile like an old friend that you have missed. It settles in the way an old friend will settle into your favorite chair and take out his pipe and light it and then fill the afternoon with stories of places he has been and things he has done since last he saw you.”Stephen King, ‘Salem’s Lot
Today the forecast in SW Ontario is threatening snow, so it was good I went to the coves when I did, to capture it before this foreshadowing of winter falls upon us, to have the conversations I needed to have.
October has become a month of endings, of deaths, and transformation, with Mom and Tim, and a marriage.
One golden day they were all gone.
Yet, I have remained enamoured with its changes, and its turning, its lessons, its exposing of the truth, of life, of cycles, to see what lies inside. Like seeds of change lying dormant until that focus, that attention, that love of the details recalled with fondness, just one more time, that lust for life Tim had, and nostalgia for more conversations on the porch with Mom, their voices whispering their wisdom, and their truth, and maybe a few of Tim’s lies, you know, for good measure, to keep me on my toes.
“Is not this a true autumn day? Just the still melancholy that I love – that makes life and nature harmonise. The birds are consulting about their migrations, the trees are putting on the hectic or the pallid hues of decay, and begin to strew the ground, that one’s very footsteps may not disturb the repose of earth and air, while they give us a scent that is a perfect anodyne to the restless spirit. Delicious autumn! My very soul is wedded to it, and if I were a bird I would fly about the earth seeking the successive autumns.”[Letter to Miss Lewis, Oct. 1, 1841]”
― George Eliot, George Eliot’s Life, as Related in Her Letters and Journals – Volume 1
At some point, October became a time for assessing, of where I am and how I am, and to see if adjustments were required. A tuning in, looking for the aches and pains that only grief can expose, as we remember those voices that the seasons took, as they become softer, less urgent, through death or of dissent, changing who I became, who I am today, year by year. A time of taking stock, of reaping what the seasons have sowed, I suppose, too.
The winter shots are a few of the ones that were featured on WordPress’ Discover a couple years back, and remind me that even in the depths of winter there is still enchantment, and especially at The Coves. I remember how magical that day was, as the snow began to softly fall, and the light changed, became diffused. It inspired me, focused me.
A lot has changed, not just the seasons, and years. Some things have stayed a constant, like where I live, and all the basics. Though I have changed, a purpose, of intention, of solitude, appreciating oneness.
Back in those days heading towards Christmas of 2016, I was still struggling with my feelings towards that ol’BealArt guy, that dying from a broken heart guy I still love. Some of the damage he did himself, and some through the cruel nature of the universe, he wallowed in that grief.
By that summer, of 2017, I had cut all ties with him, as his alcoholism was too much, I couldn’t tolerate his narcissism, his self-destruction, his downfall into misery and anger, nursing and cursing at another man – nope, been there done that, bought the Tee and it is now a rag, thanks be to Tim for THAT little lesson.
“Yesterday I was clever, so I wanted to change the world. Today I am wise, so I am changing myself.”Rumi
Again, more change came this last May when D3 moved away, leaving his best friend Sue and I to muddle along without him, which of course we did, much as we thought we could, but we still shed our tears, grieved his loss.
Not to say he isn’t missed still, he is, all of us were in need of a change, all three of us, as old patterns had worn thin and we needed something new, something different, something to force us to venture out and bring something different in, to inspire, be first we needed the space for something new.
What’s that saying? A Change is as good as a rest.
Maybe October has also been a time for that, for resting a bit, enjoying it all a bit more, seeing it anew, just one more time before my world is blanketed in the cold and the snow. To step back and appreciate it all just a bit more, knowing nothing stays the same, nothing is forever, and everything must die in its time. I guess it gives me that time to look, to know where I should be focusing, where to look, where to go.
“Change will not come if we wait for some other person, or if we wait for some other time. We are the ones we’ve been waiting for. We are the change that we seek.”Barack Obama