The days now kind of just melt together, and I lose track of what day it is. Weekends have meant very little for some time, but now day and night have become interchangeable, merely long stretches of waking life, interspersed with long pauses for sleep.
Mornings, try as I might to stay up later, well, mornings happen way too early. My schedule is all whacked out.
You know, by early eve, 6ish I put Pika in her crate, as my eyes start drooping. I make my way to lay down and watch an episode of Time Team, as is my habit. Those British accents lull me to sleep, like an archaeologist lullaby.
But, right on cue, wake again at 1:30 AM.
Today, happened again, so I looked at the clock, say no way, back to bed.
Woke up again, felt much more rested, like it had been a long sleep… and looked at the clock… 2:30 AM. Grrrr.
Seriously woke up to bird song, and I swear that’s what I heard. Guess I was maybe imagining it? Really, I swear I heard it, it was some sort of night bird, something making bird type noises, or maybe the birds are insomniacs now too.
Well, not that I have insomnia, just my already whacked out internal clock from too many early early mornings last few years makes those mid night wakings possible. My dreams, though rare, when I have recalled them of late, they have disturbed me….case in point… the last one featured Tim.
Though, not surprising I guess. I felt trapped with him. So that must be it… why my mind strays back to those days… and his narcississtic ways.
So, nightmares aside, yesterday, after a few days of pouring rain, there were some breaks in the clouds and the sun came out again, and the temperature rose, and Pika and I spent a great deal of the day outside.
It felt so wonderful, and it was the first real opportunity she’s has had to explore outside the door, sniff the earth, explore that little world beyond the stoop with all the snow finally gone.
Moved some pots around, tidying up, swept the sidewalk, edged the garden bed, and sat for a bit and watched everything, admired my work. Felt very thankful, felt it wash over me, soaked in the beauty of my little shaded nook, watching Pika explore about for the first time.
Really made me smile. She is so adorable, so curious. She’d sniff about, then return to the stoop beside me, sit her little bottom down, and watch everything, mimicking me, two of us against the world.
Looks like there is more rain on the menu for today as well, wish I’d ventured past my hedge for a long walk yesterday, as the both of us are overdue for a nice long jaunt.
Our routine has been rather relaxed, as I’ve learned to go with the flow. I can’t really go anywhere, nothing else I can be doing, other than cleaning, dishes, cooking.
Well, TV of course, or, streaming stuff online…of which of course you have no idea about… it is new, but anywho.
I’m now at the point where I think that intense anxiety I was feeling has, well, not so much gone away as more has been folded in to my normal. More now like a nagging doubt gently making its presence known once in a while, scratching at the window… wanting my attention.
Breathing, that thing that we forget to do when we’re anxious, even though we do it without thinking at any other time, becomes like a lifeline to sanity.
So I turn in to the anxiety, I take a long breath in counting to 10, and let the breath out slowly, repeat.
I put some relaxing beats on, light incense, pop my nose outside maybe, distract myself, and it passes… eventually.
I ignore twitter now, mostly. I have begun to just ignore the U.S., kind of, sort of… try to. I mean, I can’t completely, but the thing is its just the same chaos and BS that happens every day that ends in Y.
To be honest, its of more value to just ignore them and concentrate on what’s going on here in Canada, as at least our governing bodies are generally working together for the common good of all.
Whereas in the U.S.? I have no idea what they’re motives are, but for some it is NOT for the common good.
Greedy, short-sighted, ignorant, fear-mongering, territorial, backstabbing, accusing, blaming… and God help them all, for the dark and evil spirit of some is just too horrific to watch. You just have to turn away from it.
In Canada much of the country is going this week into a critical time, as this is the week we see if the social distancing and lockdown measures have been enough to ‘flatten the curve’. We are on that delicate point between, and the fear is that now that this is going on over two weeks or so, that people will relax their guard, get restless and make poor choices, and go out and spread the virus within their communities and reverse all the progress made.
But, I’ve done my part. I’ve not gone anywhere but walk Pika for over 2 weeks, it must be atleast almost 2 weeks since I last got groceries, which is really the only place I’ve been over the last month. Oh, well, did go to the Village Tail here in the village for Pika’s food, but that was over a week ago as well.
And, today is the day I have to get groceries, and let’s say I do not look forward to it. Like, at all look forward to it.
Strange, really, to think I’m scared to get groceries, and that that fear is now considered normal.
And, also, I admit, mom, that this forced isolation, this day after day of uncertainty, if nothing else, made me acutely aware of my own regular day to day anxieties. How they manifest, what it feels like, and how I have sometimes not seen it as anxiety.
Though, I have given myself a break, as I am all on my own, with no real distractions but that which I choose to be distracted by.
So, yeah, I guess I am by no means immune to panic attacks, I find they just don’t play out as they do with others. In the past it made me feel sick, or other psychosomatic type symptoms… real feeling, but not actually real. I’ve learned how to step back from them, to investigate their validity.
Yet, this now is a WHOLE other thang.
Now, Pika is a tremendous help. She is a delightful (usually, when she’s not biting me) type of distraction. As one of those anxious bile rising within me moments begins, she often bounces up, and head bangs my knee to get my attention… doing her very best LOOK AT ME… LOOK AT ME… throw my toy, pick me up, chase me, let me up so I can eat your chair, let me attack your hands… anyone of a number of distractions… or, just for a snuggle.
And, occasionally… she just goes and grabs a piece of her poop she just deposited at the front door… scurries back to the settee, jumps up, and proceeds to consume it.
So that’s nice.
I will say also that it is more and more difficult to write you, as my days are filled with fluffy bits of absolutely nothing, like at all… long spaces… of nothing.
I mean, well, not nothing, things do happen, but grading on a scale, I do nothing… broken by episodes of playing with Pika, chasing Pika, feeding her, picking up her poo and throwing in the toilet, before she can munch on it. And all the other nothing crap humans do on a daily basis.
Oh, and wash my hands. Over and over and over. Even though I don’t go anywhere, still, wash them over and over again throughout the day at a almost obsessive rate, but not a bad habit anymore.
Most exciting thing, or it was exciting for us…. THE GREAT HUNT.
We had spied it, at the same time, as it was making its way by thread down from the picture frame, so we watched it together.
Pika was fascinated, as she has not encountered spiders yet.
Now, dear little Pika I discovered is a good little spider hunter and once her prey is generally dead {mostly dead}, she takes it back to her lair on the settee and proceeds to roll it around, and finally after some mutilation, finally consumes it. Munch, munch, munch.
I was quite proud of her prowess and this new skill is highly appreciated. And, it kept us distracted for quite some time, 15 minutes at least.
Ok, well, that’s all the glamorous news from my new lockdown life. Please, try to contain your excitement.
We are all hanging in there, doing our best.
Love you, talk to you soon,
paula
“Boredom is a pleasing antidote for fear”
Daphne DuMaurier, Rebecca
*****
by PaulaB 