‘To thy ownself be true’ | March 31 2012

Going through these events 8 months later is a bit surreal sometimes. In my mind I have to fly past all this other “stuff” and I really have to focus in order to get back to that place. Returning to these events and re-living what I was experiencing is … oh what’s the word…hard? difficult? … no … painful? No. It makes me kind of feel guilty. I suppose that’s close.

Today I am so acutely aware of how precious that time was, and looking back I tend to sometimes see only my faults, my selfishness and my annoying jovial slant.

I am reminded of Monty Pythons “The Life of Brian” and the bit (I think it’s the last scene?) with the bunch on the cross singing “Look on the bright side of life {whistle whistle whistle}, life’s a piece of shaet when ya think of it….{la la la lala lala la la}.”

Anyway {sigh}, there have been a lot of things I maybe could have done better, maybe differently, but it does me no good going all “woulda, coulda shoulda”. No, when I look back now I also read past all my fal-la-la-de-la bright and cheery crap and remember his physical pain and our anxiety, fear, guilt and doubt all jumbled up together into a whole Hungarian Goulash of stress. It’s all there, all that pepper and spice is recorded amidst the other ingredients.

When I was going through stuff and organizing yesterday I ran into Tim’s Magic beanbag “thingy” that he used on his back, and to keep him warm. I came to so very much loath that thing. This one is actually the 2nd version…the other blew out 6 months ago. I heated those things up in the microwave maybe 80 million times a day. There I was yesterday with the stupid thing in my hand with tears running down my face. What do you do with stuff like that? I guess what we all do, put it back in some drawer till its needed again. Its significance will wear off, over time. There are so many of these insignificant things that now are so draped in memories. Unfortunately, I don’t have a suitcase big enough for them all.

The date for this entry was: March 31 2012

Last Saturday Tim finally decided he’d had enough of the pain and he had to go to the Emerg. It had been a good week. March Break week was SPECTACULAR with 20+ degree temps ALL week. So when he kept talking about the jabbing pain we thought it was just from yard work. Well, he went in. I spent almost 1 full hour starring at the lines on the wall in RM 2 before I finally broke down and started to fill out my exit strategy. He’d actually told Jessica we’d just be about an hour. Well, we hadn’t even seen the doctor yet.

Gosh, he was a wee bit testy, as was I though. Jumped down my throat when I mentioned needing some air. This sedate waiting was driving me insane. Which of course was annoying him.  He finally told me to get out. I know sometimes he thinks I don’t care, or that I don’t believe he’s really in that much pain. But the truth is I do know and I am just as confused and concerned as him. When we did finally see the doctor they of course admitted him and said that it looked like radiation fragments on his liver were causing all the discomfort and pain.

So that night while Tim was over at the Hospital I went over to Jess’ to celebrate her hubby’s birthday. It was like someone had pulled the tab on my can and opened the top….WhooSH…some beer and couple glasses of wine later and I had calmed to a nice fizzzzzz. After so long of it being about sickness, hospitals and more hospitals, and of course THE BIG C….for once it was just about having some fun with friends.

I will say it. I am worried. Very very worried. I almost can’t even acknowledge this fear. To acknowledge it will make it real, and I’m a positive person. I can’t let this vortex of negativity take hold. There are so many, many possibilities, fears, emotions, realities and hopes running amok in my mind now.

next entry: Moments & Months | July 27 2012

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