“What do you do when the one person you want comfort from the most is the one who caused your pain? How can I want so desperately for him to wrap me up in his arms but also want so much for him to leave me alone.”
― Amanda Grace, But I Love Him
Mom, soon, soon it will be all but a memory, and these whining, wishful thinkings will be behind me. Whatever traces of regret and desire that were still wafting through my veins will soon, soon be gone. I last night finally deleted every trace of Blue.Eyes from my phone, after texting him the last truths I had to bestow on my way to work yesterday morn.
Spent the evening last night deep in graphics heaven, creatively distracting myself with design. Awaiting a knock on my door that never came. I’m impatient though, I know. Impatient for endings, as much as for beginnings.
I will fully admit, he had it right, but I was pushing things along so as to not waste anymore of my time on lies and fantasy. I must, for too oft I have turned the other cheek, ignored the pings of truth before, and become entangled within a thing that was never going to be more than a fling. No more.
I honestly thought he would finally appear last night though. Not necessarily to unburden himself with his undying love of me, but at least for a tête-à-tête. Alas, again I find myself nodding my head in understanding, alas again I was right.
Show them who you are, if one does that and they turn away, then there was never anything for you to lose anyhow…I’ve learned …finally.
In the past I’ve merrily let it all dance, and twirl as it will, meandering along behind the man with a carrot on a string. Acting as if I had no will of my own, no desires to fulfill, but that which satisfies them…but no more.
Blue.Eyes became in the end I guess just another test drive, another frog, alas, again, no prince.
“Must I go bound while you go free
Must I love a man who doesn’t love me
Must I be born with so little art
As to love a man who’ll break my Heart”
― Cassandra Clare, Clockwork Prince
The experience has taught me this, I will not, can not, set aside again my own hearts desire. I shall not deny the truth – I seek a mate. Oh, and not just any will do, I do seek the company of another who wants nothing more than to be at my side. I can no longer deny, and I will take not a hair less.
You know Mom, I’m tired trying to be this mistress of independence some would have me, seeking singlehood as the be-all-and-end-all. Perhaps for some… not I.
THOU SHALT BE this, or that, or another, and thou shall in your independent womanhood be this beacon for the lonely bachelorette, shining forth thy freedom-seeking light. Hog wash. I am not the uber-cool singleton, flashing my bohemian creative power around like some would have me.
I seek that big ROMANCE, that rest of our lives story, the I want to walk beside you, hold your hand, sort of man. I can no longer deny. Nothing less will do.
So, I suppose another one is lost in my dust. I shall wipe my hands clean of this, and walk away.
The light is finally breaking, this dawning morning, and snow is dusting the cedar boughs out my window here in my village of dreams. He will be off to work by now I suppose, to stand on some roof on this snowy day, framing away with his hired crew.
“I know you. Inside and out, Sara. I know you, and I’ve accepted it all. Every bit of the crazy. And I love you anyway remember?”
― Emme Rollins, Dear Rockstar
So it’s another day, another string of hours, another host of minutes, to wander through, working away at these things I desire for myself. I promise Mom, I will be resilient.