Me again. I do believe you are the proud Mother of a work spectacle. Yes, indeed. The side-ways glances, the smiles, the awkward silences. And I’m not imagining it.

I was of course worried this morn about the aftermath of Monday, after my melt down. I had left early in a crying, bawling mess, and had come like millimeters away from quitting my job. So I decided I desperately needed to take a step back, and access my options, and figure out what the hell I was doing. So I took Tuesday off {I know, I know, but listen Mom}, and walk my ass downtown, arriving at 8:30am for when the first Employment agency opened. Printed out my resume at the library, and hiked through the snow packed sidewalks handing out my CV. Then popped into a printer for a quote on business cards, and came home and created the design, and began to strategize on what my next move should be in my plan of escape.

Later that eve, strolling through the quiet snow-covered village, with those misty flakes cleansing me of all the shite I had almost let overtake me, I felt scared and blessed. I had been hanging by a thread, and I almost let go. Yet, I am not all alone, and I’m not in a cage, and I’m not pitiful. I have myself. I’m not lost, I’ve just not been ready till now.

This morning I admit I was alittle concerned about what my manager would have to say, and having to explain. To be honest though, not as much as one would have thought. I felt sort of blasé about the whole thing.

Ran into one of my co-workers on the bus as I normally do, but I don’t care for morning chit-chat, so I usually keep to myself. But when he sat beside me I mentioned that last night I had slept for 5 hours altogether for the first time in almost 3 weeks. I was tired, but I felt glorious. Bit of an elephant in the air I guess, but I thought it was just me being too self-conscious.

Now as a quick aside Mom, I wonder sometimes if there really is a divine plan at play in our lives? Kismet? Fate? Divine intervention? Anywho.

So I was somewhat taken aback by what DID transpire at work. Whoa… I did not even consider the fact that my meltdown was overheard by everyone who was working Monday morning at 11am. I have no idea why, but this aspect of my (what I thought was)personal meltdown, escaped me. I figured some people would know, but damn, I really didn’t even think. Yip, I’m an idiot.

Now that I think on it…I do recall, at some point I said {rather louder I guess then I intended…well…besides the fact I actually said it} although my exact words escape me…it was something like …

I GIVE ZERO FUCKS ABOUT YOUR GODDAMN METRICS, I WILL NOT BE TREATED LIKE THIS

.
That was the grand finale to the 15 minute discussion I had had with the team lead who happened to be working that morning, discussing my new shitty schedule. Now that I’ve had sometime to gather my thoughts, I suppose that’s the part everyone in the room would have heard. Em, yes.

And I suppose there are many who are maybe shocked I actually returned. That I returned AND that this unassuming quiet, hardworking little mouse said what everyone at one point had thought, AND, said VERY LOUDLY so everyone could hear – I’m one of those employees that ask for little, come to work to work, and am always professional and courteous. :-)

{snicker} yeah..wild… little old me being written up for unprofessionalism. Unbelievable. My Team Lead though is awesome, and he said “when I found out Paula what happened I was so upset I wasn’t there“. Imagine?

He has been very supportive, and he cares, which is refreshing. Believe me, I would imagine that as a Team Lead, retaining some sense of humanity takes strength of character, as the atmosphere can wring every last drop of it out of you. Funny though that when I first encountered him on this contract I found him to be a loud and brash asshole – but he’s so totally not. He’s just very honest; which is refreshing. I came right up to him as soon as I arrived this morning, and after our talk he said “don’t worry Paula, your with me“.

So yeah, I got written up and if there is another incident I’ll be fired. Well, no worries there, back to regular programming folks. THE INTROVERT HAS LEFT THE STAGE…and she ain’t going postal. But no, not really known for pulling out crazy bitch at work.

WOW.

So when the MOD came up to my desk today – the MOD being the guy who I see on the bus in the morning – AND – one of his many jobs is to hand out VTO (voluntary time off) {so you can imagine he is rather popular on the floor} – when he came by my desk at 12:30 and asked if I wanted to go home as they were overstaffed {and the company loses money}…well HELL YA. Which I guess means I may pick up a shift Saturday, but I have Monday off. Meh.

I’m reeling inside I suppose with purpose. What do I need? What should I be doing right now? Are there grants for these sorts of ventures? {that would be spiffy}. I need to know this stuff. And as Penny commented yesterday, I need to make lists so I can clearly see my accomplishments…to keep me motivated when the shitties try to derail me.

Yesterday was such an awesome day though. A truly, start to finish, AWESOME day. I’m going to savour it, since such days may be scarce in the weeks to come.

So yesterday around 4 or 5 or so, as I was yelling at Irish for going ape-shit over some dog walking through HER bank parking lot…well who is it but that old Team Lead I ran into on the bus (I’m sure I mentioned him). Yeah, he’s like HEY Paula, its ‘T’… you live here? I just moved in next door there across the parking lot. I worked with him almost 15 years ago, back at Sykes.

Strange old world, this. I guess I needed to be reminded, I choose this job, it didn’t choose me. I wanted to work there because back at Sykes was the happiest I’d ever been…and I got side-tracked. THAT was where I went off-trail. Perhaps this whole journey was necessary though, as who I am today has a particular set of skills unique to accomplishing what makes me happy, and perhaps even of raising the bar.

Its been an exhausting last few weeks Mom. Truly mind-numbing, at times. At times standing in the hot shower, as the warmth and cleansing sense of the water over powered my gloom, I felt like those moments were my only pleasure. Sadly watching Time Team, after Time Team, some two or three times. They lulled me into sleep, they peaked my interest, they exposed bits of history I’d missed the first time or two around, and those archeologists felt like friends. Sinking into that pit of doom, that meltdown was awhile in coming, and as my current Team Lead said “once you let er loose, you can’t get it back“. Those places can break you if you let them.

Not I.

I guess Mom what I learned this week is that some of us are meant to lead, some of us are meant to follow, and some of us are meant to occasionally go off into the wilds on their own, trailing behind them garlands of their treasures, to show those who believe themselves in a cage that those are mere shadows they see on the cave walls, and not the real thing at all.

Always,