Ok Mom, I confess, I had to say goodbye.
The last time we said it, er, typed it, it was angry. This time, I suppose I wanted this final one, well, to be a finale. Take a graceful bow to the audience, and take my leave, stage left.
So I texted him “I still think of you”. When I got home after work that day, when I went to bed, and all night long, nothing. So I the next morning I texted “Well…a door is closing…just so you know”. And that’s that.
Funny thing is, I got home from work and I’d accidentally left my door open. Yeah, AND, that very next morning I woke up and realized I’d actually left the door open all night. I had a good sleep though, as that cool night air fanned my hot flashing body. It twas blissful.
So nada. Not a peep.
Done. He’s gone. That crossroads guy I met you know Mom, when I brought him back here the next day, I felt like I was betraying someone, but I became confused when I realized who. I needed time to think. Good thing he had to be in Sarnia for two weeks.
I thought to myself, maybe I’ve moved past my grief over Tim, and transferred a smidge of it onto the shoulders of Mr.Blue.Eyes?.
Now that crap is over. Done.
I can now stand in this room with that crossroads man (or anyone), and fully embrace the space within myself, every fibre of my being has now become engaged. I no longer carry these scraps of crap, piddled away in my pockets, bulging me out at the sides like tumours. Atleast now I know, for certain, I know. I can say I’ve given fair warning, this ship is sailing forth. Board now or forever hold your goddamn piece/peace.
You know Mom, come what may though, I do now look at this crossroads man in a new light. Whether he be the future, or just in time another past, I have not lost my hope. Not yet atleast. I fear the day I ever lose that.
I recall your words Mom. I wrack my noggin try’n to recall when you told me this, I would imagine it must have been when I was 16, maybe 17? But you said…“always hold alittle bit back Paula, never give anyone everything”. I remember looking into your eyes after you’d said it, and I could see this pain laying there, and I was confused.
But no more.
Over all these years I’ve returned to that advice, and each and every goodbye I’ve remembered your words. Checked myself, and there it is, every time, just where I left it, that piece of myself I always hold back. I’ve learned over the years though which bits are important to hold close, and which are fleeting and tacky and should be chucked.
So the Irish lassy got a good brushing yesterday after noon, and I slept last night again with the window open, and the fan going, again, blissful slumber. This crossroads man, let him be whomever he be, I have this newfound sense of hope. This knowledge that I feel better, I feel lighter, when I unburden myself of these intangibles. I feel free in knowing it could be anyone, at any time, that comes along and loves me like that bear loves that hay. There’s still plenty of time.
Cause I wanna be loved to pieces.