This one I’ll admit I find a little embarrassing and was hard to choose, hard to admit to, truth be told. This post is rather indicative of the rest of that year though, given the broken arm, and off work, I had little to do with myself but write haiku and obsess over this thing or that; this is one of those things.
At the time Crossroads (as I referred to him then, I now call him D3), well, he was just dangling the carrot, I found out, as he was still with this other girlfriend he’d had for almost 20 something years – hence the “on retainer”.
I met him the year before at a crossroads, and I was at a turning point, choices were becoming available, a new direction, same direction? Possibilities. Change, transformation, moving forward after the death of Tim, making friends, all the things that bring us out of our griefs, someone to laugh with, cry with, turn to.
I’ll admit, for a while that seemed ok. Ok because I wasn’t really sure what I wanted anyhow, and why not? I guess this is just another stepping stone, but actually D3 and I remained friends just so you know, and in the end there ended up being no fringe benefits, just an honest friendship.
“No matter what, nobody can take away the dances you’ve already had.”Gabriel García Márquez
D3 is one of those weird fringe dwellers I was referring to, actually, and taught me a lot about myself; well, and was partly responsible for why I eventually decided to not date anymore and how to embrace that fringe dwellerness I had for so long denied myself. He was the one I actually ran to the night I broke my arm as I couldn’t get my door open and he lived right around the corner. He’s the one that got me into cycling as well, and who I bought all 3 of my bikes off of.
But anyway, on with the show.
From August 12th, 2015
He once told me he believed that when a bee is around him it was the spirit of his Dad, come to visit. His Father kept bees so there may be something to it. Anyways, I thought it was rather sweet. Crossroads man is a bit of a mystery, maybe that’s one reason I kept him around, among others.
I’ve gained an appreciation for solitude, with just a dog for company. They are loyal, they are always glad to see you, they’re loving. And of course with this broken right wrist I can’t do my job, so been on short-term disability until it heals; as it’s too painful since it requires a lot of mouse work.
Given we hadn’t got together in a while, last Friday I left a voicemail inviting him over for a BBQ – three days later I had not heard one peep. Kept seeing him around town, but he didn’t once call. I don’t really know what we were, really, but he has outlived his usefulness.
Not to be picky, but, um, I do want a bit more. Just a bit. More as in someone who returns my calls, even if just to say they’re busy. Am I being demanding? No, of course not, he’s just an idiot.
I am seeing a pattern, and frankly, Mr. Crossroads Man can find another chick to keep on retainer, not my cuppa.