The scheduled departure date has been postponed until further notice. Just wonderful. This whole moving thing may just do me in. Frustrating to be so reliant on other people. Can’t book the movers till I know when my sister can come get Irish and I. Tim’s family need to get in here as well and start their renovations. It’s become a juggling act, and I don’t juggle.
Trying to muster the motivation to go out and shovel, maybe take fluffyB for a walk-about. Right now I’d like to just sit right here and drink coffee and vegetate till moss is growing on my scalp. I’m a wet noodle that’s been absently left in the bottom of the pot.
I wonder, am I missing something? I keep wondering if maybe I’m suppose to be doing something else and THAT is why this is all so freaken difficult. If so, the powers that be need to be a BIT more clear cause my spidey senses ain’t that good right now. I’m fighting this dank depressive mood that wants to envelop me in its cloak of darkness. I am not letting it. I don’t have time for it.
SO I just took the stupid milestone widget out of my footers. F it. I’m going when I go. WHENEVER that’s going to be.
I want to get out into this big bad world again. I’ve been so isolated out here for so very long. Even before Tim died really, for probably almost a year. What with Tim being sick most of the time, we rarely went anywhere. Than these last 4 months … I’m a lonesome dove. I can now be out in public and not want to cry all the time. I can answer people’s concerns, well wishes and not become a blubbering mess. That’s a big fear of mine. My emotions are raw and honest, and so I have a real hard time-sharing that in public. Oh, the anxiety of it all.I was going to say that it’s not her fault that the girls did well in hockey this year and are now scheduled solid with practices and games through till March 15th. HOWEVER, it is her fault, she’s the one girls coach, and her partner (lets call him Sir B) is the other girls coach. SO it’s both their faults the girls did so well this year.
I wish I could be there to see them play. I watched some of their games when I was down at Christmas, and my heart just went BURST with pride. AT all of them. My lil’sis and Sir B have built themselves quite the little hockey franchise. Work all day, coach all night … weekends are ALL hockey. They are a very close little unit of four. Of course, 1/2 the four sound as if they are burning themselves out with this hockey this year. I think they’ll need to re-think what they want to do for next year.
I emailed Tim’s sister and broke the news on the delay, and now I just have to wait for MY sister to let me know when THEY can come get me. THAN I can book the movers. I can just feel the stress monsters crawling up my back every time I think about it. My mind is just mush, complete soggy mush. Rational thought is a constant struggle, as mealy-mouthed tendrils of irrational guilt try to take-a-hold of me. Guilt at things I have no control over, and decisions made in grief. I’m here now, WELL passed my expiration date and I’m fermenting.
That’s my life right now. I guess once a noodle sits in the pot long enough it hardens up and sticks to the surface. Lets hope I can manage to somehow escape before I solidify.