This one just kinda jumped out at me from the next in the pile of unposted posts and said, “pick me, pick me”, and so I did, as last Saturday had almost completely fallen headfirst into a horrible, no good, very bad day.
This time there were two key differences, and one being that I can entirely lay blame at my own feet, since it was I who forgot my keys, and I forgot my smokes in the pocket of my work fleecy that was hanging inconveniently inside the locked building before me, as I rested my bike after work to ponder on how much of a bumbling idiot I am.
Then I rode off in a rage I could not shake all the way home into the dark night, dodging stupid Saturday night drivers that had it in for me, as the dragon inside grew from my nicotine withdrawal, singing to myself as I rode along through the dark streets home singing, I’m an asshole ye oh ye oh ye oh he oh he oh, I’m an asshole ye oh ye oh”, did help.
However, and this is the other difference, my friend Sue who knows my secrets was sitting on my settee when I arrived home, the dog greeted me outside in a happy fuss, and there on the counter I spied with my little eye BEER… which in time washed all the bad things away; so, the learning here was to plan ahead.
Yes, and menopause madness, what can I say? Well, screaming and yelling like a berzerker every once in a while, having murderous thoughts unbecoming an idealist such as myself, and over the last while I have learned how to OMMMMM, and breath, and bite my tongue till it bled, and as well taken to heart the saying my Grandmother loved, “stay silent and be thought a fool, or open one’s mouth and remove all doubt”.
And another thing that had changed that I don’t mention, is that I had acquired my second hand Rose, that wonderful late 60’s Canadian Tire Supercycle off D3. She still stands there leaning on her kickstand in my entryway, in all her lovely vintage faded jade glory, now a part of a threesome. She was the kickstart to the cycling chick I am today, layered up and out and about to work now until the snow flies, and then and only then will I be grounded, er, busing it.
Biking in a way saved me, with that wind in your hair out in the elements feeling that is so very soothing, and even with the car dodging and other hazards, the positive moments totally outweigh the negative (hills, strong wind against you), and I have Rose, and D3, to thank for that. I am in charge, so NAH (sticking tongue out) you horrible no good rotten day.
Draft from June 2nd, 2016
Yesterday, oh yesterday, you sucked in every way. Oh, yesterday.
From start to finish. Everything. Some my own fault, some not, and it all got together and had a party. Like one of those days you think that when you find the stiff that has your voodoo doll, you’re going to throttle them.
I’m not going to get into the dry, boring details. Tried that last night after I got home, and re-read what I wrote and almost gagged. No one cares about the details. Which is actually part of what frustrated me so much, detail gal that I am.
Really, its all the details lined up, that’s the issue.
Why Mom do you suppose it always happens that way? And the trolls wring the last shekel from your pocket.
And so I stewed. And I stewed last night. Going over the details – one by one. What did I do? What did they do? What do I do now?
That’s the real question. Cause horrible, no good, very bad days can have spill over. And I ain’t interested in another of yesterday.
Sometimes though, I do wonder how much is menopause, and how much is circumstance. With this horrible yesterday, I think it is a product of both. See? What did I tell you. Things beyond my control, rolled up with stuff you wish you’d said, and bad day on a stick de jour.
But it got me thinking. About leadership qualities; those that are perceived to be, and those that are the genuine article.
Cause, there are folks that are confused. Another detail of yesterday.
Leadership is not about being bossy, knowing everything, and controlling everything with a harness and whip. Humans don’t like that sort of treatment. Course, I imagine Horses don’t care for it either.
It’s lazy leadership. The driver isn’t investing anything, and therefore it shows. My bad day was an indirect product of newbie leadership loosing control of the wagon. Least that’s my take on it.
There has been some shifts in leadership at work recently, and there has also arisen some dissent in the ranks; as I discovered a couple evenings ago. I am oblivious, usually, to this sort of stuff.
So my no good, very bad day, I think, has been shared by some others at work. That’s what that is telling me.
The details may very, but the end result is the same.
Another detail is confidence, and imparting such. And appreciation. That is a detail.
Well anyways, I kept my integrity. I still gave the same 100% I always do, just had to work harder to achieve it. Like dragging concrete.
Yesterday too is sort of like this – you think you’re going up hill, carrying your pack of stuff you’ve painstakingly gathered, trudging away, working away, and then some idiot comes by and knocks everything out of your hands, things go tumbling back down the hill, and there you are gathering it all back up again, trudging up the same stupid hill. That was another detail.
There is also that part of me you know Mom, that voice that’s saying “well maybe there is something to learn from this”? I’d like to punch that voice. Even if it has a point, still. I’d like to sock it right in the kisser.
These thoughts have menopause madness overtones. Which I guess has influenced my decision to hold off on saying anything about how I feel until I’ve had a day or so… to cool off. haha