~♦~ I go out ~♦~
~♦~ I come in ~♦~
It’s everywhere, all around are bits and pieces; those innocuous red Lanterns found on walks, and white bows from a funeral basket bring flashes. Here I can’t escape them. Every room holds more reminders of my time with Tim. I never did make it to the bedroom … tomorrow is another day. It’s not that it’s going to take long to pack up his cloths … I’m just being a chicken. Spent enough salt today — rivers melting down my cheeks, puddling into the ether. In times past this would have been a day to go maybe on an adventure – a walk about in the woods or a drive.
Instead, today I sat alone at the kitchen table, as I often do lately, and imagine he’s in his chair … it brings him closer to me … remembering those mornings sitting watching the birds, planning the day.
I miss him today. It seems that so often this week I’ve been living with so many others version of him, that I had started to forget MY Tim … the person he became, not the person he had been to others. That is what I’m struggling with now — how to come to terms with all that I know. I’m not sure I want to carry around that sort of anger really. It won’t serve me well, that division, the war within. I don’t want to ignore it, hide from it, nor wallow in things that happened to other people. I have my own forgiveness project on the go.
It was a day of melting and memory. It has been mild and over the last 24hrs the snow has disappeared and I can see earth for the first time in a month. I can see green grass, and I go back in and grab my coffee for a stroll. It may be the last time I am here, alone with what we created. One last time to be amongst it all. There will be no dreaming of spring this time. No plans to make, no seed catalogues’ to pour over. The garden journal will I suppose have to wait for stories from that future garden…wherever it may be.
Ah, the sweet whimsy of life
it sucks you in
it squeezes your juices
and then sets you down
with a THUMP!
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